@jjhartinger

[commercial for IKEA]

Are you easily frustrated? Want to find out?

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@Adyaces

Joseph: A crib full of straw? No, I asked to see the MANAGER.

@ThisOneSayz

Me: It’s unrealistic that the Angels blindly trusted Charlie’s voice coming through a speaker, amirite?

Siri: I’m not sure I understand

@SamSykesSwears

“I’m not good enough.”
-Implies this is as good as you will ever be
-Does not acknowledge your hard work
-Ends your journey

Punching the ground and declaring “I…I must get stronger!” like in anime
-Sets goals
-Recognizes how far you’ve come
-Useful for defeating the Demon King

@dumbbeezie

Thank you to all the people who tweet landscape pictures so we don’t forget what it looks like outside

@JackoSims14

Her Tinder profile: I love hiking, riding bikes, long wa–
Me: Sounds like a lot of doing stuff. Next

@FredTaming

robber: empty the register, no funny business

joke store owner: oh no

@POTerritory

“Stop trying to give your words depth and gravitas by attributing them to a faraway old civilization.” – ancient Chinese proverb

@PFPTMillsy

How to cook the perfect amount of pasta:
1. Pour out how much you think you need
2. Wrong