[commercial for IKEA]
Are you easily frustrated? Want to find out?
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Start a slow-clap in a quiet, crowded room. The first person that joins you, marry them. They’re your soulmate.
It must be hard to judge a wet t-shirt contest. I saw one recently and all the t-shirts looked equally wet.
This guys gifted me lighter, I guess he is my cigarette santa.
I can never say the word “rural” without sounding like Scooby Doo.
[buys new refrigerator with water dispenser]
day 1: I will never tire of this water dispenser
day 15: still luvin’ this water dispenserday 4563: wahey! water dispenser
“DIDN’T THE KIDS JUST HAVE A DAY OFF SCHOOL LAST MONTH!?!”
~A parent’s memoir.
Boss: Someone’s been cutting corners.
Me: Hey, that’s unfair.
Edward Scissorhands: (acting nonchalant) Yeah, I noticed that, too.
I just saved you $50. You’re welcome.
they spent weeks “Finding Nemo” and “Finding Dory” but Marlin sure seemed to give up way easier when his wife disappeared. kinda sus.
kids: can we get a lollipop at the bank
me: if you’re good *pulls mask down over my face*
People who race to pull out in front of me and then go below the speed limit, explain yourselves.
Remember kids, don’t light your own fireworks. Have the adults who have been drinking all damn day do it.
“Terrible twos” is such a misleading phrase. It makes it sound like other ages are better.
The Roman Empire: was not built in one day
The Ramen Empire: ready in 3 minutes
crazy how I used to get arrested for getting drunk outdoors and now it’s pretty much encouraged
Who wants to be my Valentine?
Hot single narcissists in your area want to be rude to you and then pretend nothing happened.
Date palm: a tree that also describes my romantic life.
When they say shirts versus skins, they mean your own skin, not someone’s skin you brought from home.
“Wheres the goddamn pizzas?”
Me: Check the pizza tracker.
*bends down, touches ground*
“A pizza will walk here before the moon is full.”
Me: omg that’s the saddest hostage video ever
Them: they were singing happy birthday to me
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me:
Teen: [returns to bedroom]
Me: [starts reorganizing baking pans]
INTERVIEWER: What are your strengths?
APPLICANT: I’m a detail-oriented team player
[nothing wacky happens because this is a job interview]
Hey I bet you guys can’t guess what the Titanic’s least favorite kind of lettuce is
Friendly but loud reminder to NOT FEED STALE DUCKS TO BREAD k
Stop sending me this shit.
This poor girl dropped her salad in the parking lot, so I grabbed her hand and said “Lettuce pray”
ur the human equivalent of having a hair in ur mouth
911: What’s your emergency?
“I put the Ford in affordable housing.”
911: Are you flirting?
“No I crashed into some apartments. SEND HELP”
Heard another parent tell their kid that when the ice cream truck plays its jingle
it means they’ve sold out of ice cream. Using that now.