[Commercial for lawnmowers]
[Exhausted looking guy stood in his garden]
*Stabs a long sword into the grass*
“There has to be a better way”
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My husband and I decided we don’t want to have children.
We will be telling them tonight.
Never play chess with a British person. Their queen never dies.
When my girl pisses me off, I steal the last page out of the book she’s reading.
Toddler: *crawling across the desert*
Kind stranger: *offers water*
Toddler: No, red cup!
Okay Canada. You’ve made your point.
Will you take winter back now?
Please?
Her: my horoscope for today was awful. I wonder which planet is making me miserable?
Me: Earth 😐
I don’t talk about my ex’s because I like to start of with a clean slate. That, and they’re dead to me. Well, to everyone, but mostly me.
no their not
I feel like every time a GOP candidate drops out, Oompa Loompas should appear & sing a song to teach us about the perils of gluttony & greed
Me: So then, He-Man & Skeletor come to terms with their feelings and make out.
Priest: Again, writing fan fiction isn’t necessarily a sin
People always act really shocked when I tell them that I don’t like chocolate. Even moreso when I say I don’t like dogs. But I don’t know man, I just don’t think either tastes very good.
i can always see the flash of disappointment n a guy’s face when i tell them i have a great relationship with my dad.
Oh you’re a ceiling fan? Name 3 times I let you collect too much dust and should have cleaned you
Him [sexy voice]: let’s do it on the couch
Me: ew babe no that’s where we eat
Wife: The kids made you these cakes for Father’s Day! What do you think of them?
Me: They’re awful. But at least they made me these cakes
Wife: This milk is 30 seconds past due, time to throw it out.
Me: This milk is lumpy. I need a fork.
whoever removed the 30th and 31st from february, come get the 14th too bro
Guys, if you want to make a girl moan, tremble, and scream: be a spider.
What you call “Brunch” I call “Breakfast for Alcoholics.”
The best thing about Twitter’s 140 character limit is that it keeps profanity-prone me from inserting any inadvertantly unnecessary motherfu
I love a “hell yeah” moment right before it turns into a “well shit” situation.
waiter: is something wrong
me: what asshole serves quinoa with a burger
waiter: sir, don’t hate the plater…
me: oh no
waiter: hate the grain
Christmas inflatables are like college kids, full of life at night and face down on the lawn in the morning.
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Verbally. But I’ve also prepared a dance.
*Mary Poppins voice*
Ok, children! Time to go!
[15 min later]
*Batman voice*
I said let’s go.
Coworker: Do you have good taste in music?
Me: I can only taste things I put in my mouth
Both of us thinking: I work with an idiot
I WON’T TELL YOU AGAIN!
~ me to my kids for the 387th time today
*first day at gymnastics class*
Teacher: So you mentioned before you were really good at the bars? Let’s see it!
Me: Oh…um, sure? Hey man can I have 2 beers and round of shots for the table cheers bro.
Teacher: *under his breath* damn he’s good
Women call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.
Then they call me ugly and poor.
The first 16 hours after getting out of bed are the hardest.