@upsidedowntrash

[Commercial for Milk]
Tired of dipping your hot dog in boring old water?!

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@david8hughes

[family game night]
Me: do u understand now, grandma? U understand the rules now?
Mum [tappin my shoulder]: she gets it. Loosen the headlock

@UncleDuke1969

He pulled a rabbit out of his hat!

Also, a gerbil from his pants & a kitten from his coat.

The infamous “Pet Shop Burglar” had a good day.

@Donna_McCoy

[first date]

Him: *dips chip into salsa rather than scooping*

Me: *gets up and leaves*

(…comes back, grabs salsa bowl, leaves for real)

@FrauFickenDammt

A white man beaten with a wheel of Parmesan claims it was a hate crime. Cheese on cracker investigation begins.

@baronvonbike

Being a dad is great. On Christmas morning I’m just as surprised as the kids when they open the presents we bought them.

@notviking

date: i’m looking for a guy who doesn’t just want me for my body

me: [trying to impress her] well i think your body sucks

@jwoodham

Ostriches would be scary as hell if they could fly or if they had arms, but they can’t and they don’t, so here we are. Stupid land birds.