[Commercial for Milk]
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[family game night]
Me: do u understand now, grandma? U understand the rules now?
Mum [tappin my shoulder]: she gets it. Loosen the headlock
I’ve never dropped acid. I always get it in my mouth on the first try
He pulled a rabbit out of his hat!
Also, a gerbil from his pants & a kitten from his coat.
The infamous “Pet Shop Burglar” had a good day.
Him: *dips chip into salsa rather than scooping*
Me: *gets up and leaves*
(…comes back, grabs salsa bowl, leaves for real)
A white man beaten with a wheel of Parmesan claims it was a hate crime. Cheese on cracker investigation begins.
Being a dad is great. On Christmas morning I’m just as surprised as the kids when they open the presents we bought them.
date: i’m looking for a guy who doesn’t just want me for my body
me: [trying to impress her] well i think your body sucks
Ostriches would be scary as hell if they could fly or if they had arms, but they can’t and they don’t, so here we are. Stupid land birds.