[Commercial for Milk]
Tired of dipping your hot dog in boring old water?!
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something like this could probably happen to anyone
Why are ghosts always just moaning? Did your manners die too? Use your words!
Returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.
I ordered Chinese food last night. My fortune cookie said “LOL” and I’ve never agreed with one more.
I’ve never been sucker punched but I have had someone pick up the land line when I was trying to connect to dial up, so same
Hear me out. Organ harvest festival.
The reason that there are so many tweets about cats is that people with dogs go outside.
Her: There’s a spider on the bathroom floor!
Me: See that thing at the bottom of your leg? That’s a foot. Make it land on the spider.
Have kids so you can spend 2 hours making a nutritious meal and have it be labeled “yucky” by a tiny person whose last meal was boogers.
[during sex]
ME: I’m Italian, how about you?
HER: Finnish
ME: Ok sure just give me a second
I wish I had remembered this was a rectal thermometer before I’d put it in my mouth for 3 minutes.
I love that spiderman sits like that. That’s not a spider thing. Spiders don’t do that. But spiderman does.
Although I’ve been disappointed by some of the things cartoons promised yet failed to deliver, I must say I am relieved that my eyes don’t badoing out of my head whenever I see a fine lady.
Clown: *twisting balloon* any requests?
Me: how about a dog
Clown: one dog coming up
Stranger: THE GATES OF HELL HAVE OPENED! THE ARMIES OF THE DAMNED ARE UPON US!
Clown: *stops twisting*
Me: ok a sword I guess
Movies lied to me as a kid. Not once have I stumbled across a plot to steal nuclear launch codes
*bites a radioactive spider
*spider starts tweeting 18 hours a day
The best detective novels are the ones where the detective is on holiday but then get forced to solve a local murder. We’ve all been in that situation where we just want some peace and quiet but then a holidaying detective shows up and solves the murder we’ve just committed.
Things to say instead of “I hope this email finds you well”
-I hope you reply quickly
-Now, pay attention
-I hope many things but life isn’t fair
-Listen in
-Let’s do this!
-I will say this only once
-Your hair looks nice
-I’m tired, let’s get this over with
-Here we go again…
Did a trash talking tree write this?
so my mum bought a lamb for £20 so it doesn’t get killed tomorrow and is planning to keep her in the garden with the dogs???? Honestly wish I could say I’m surprised but it’s very her
Having a rough day? At least you’re not Courtney Love’s gynecologist.
Hey, so I was working on an Excel spreadsheet and hit an unfamiliar function button and, long story short, now I am trapped inside it and all these numbers are mad at me
Yes I will purchase the anti-ageing cream that costs 100’s of dollars because the results on those 20 year old models is just miraculous.
This LSD may be taking a turn, but I think this pony rabbit is a piece of shit insurance salesman.
HIM: Show me what that mouth do, girl 😉
ME: *eats a fistful of bees*
*a movie that’s 100% studio logo animations but the audience doesn’t even notice until 30 minutes in*
me: i just love traveling!
my basketball coach: that’s what i want to talk to you about
My stepmother asking me exactly how many chicken nuggets to make for my kids like lady it could be 15 or 0 do I look like some kind of psychic
[enter password]
*Correct*
[your password is incorrect]
Me: ahh that’s right
*incorrect*
Login Successful
Principal: *pats me on the back at my graduation*
Me, who has never been burped: *burps for two full hours*