[commercial for pants] Is your underwear cold?
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Me: *scratches another tally mark into these prison walls*
Boss: stop damaging the office walls!
Appetizer is the Latin word meaning I’m hungry now and don’t wanna wait for big food
As it turns out, ‘harder’ is a terrible safe word
“Lemme do a quick poop and I’ll be right with you.” – me working the deli counter
“It’s April Fools Day. I can’t wait to play tricks on Dad ALL day.” – my 5yo. His first trick: Getting him “coffee,” but putting water in his cup instead. He is so excited.
Me: Don’t tell me you’ve never thought about having sex with me.
Her: No, I never have….
Me: I asked you not to tell me that.
Fun Fact:
The average 3-year-old boy can stick 11 kernels of corn up his nose before he needs a trip to the ER.
I feel bad for my Roomba, so every other day I vacuum while it sits on the couch watching TV and drinking beer.
I walk around in public saying “wait for me guys” so everyone thinks I have friends.
If pharmaceutical companies have taught me anything, they’ve taught me that people with life threatening illnesses love to hike.
British people react to the @BBC posting baseball content on twitter… 😭
[at a sperm bank]
“Can I browse the clearance bin?”
HER: NNNNNNNN
ME: [gently rolling her onto her side]
HER: ZZZZZZZZ
ferris wheel technician: i think i see the problem.
me: oh good what is it.
ferris wheel technician: you put the wheel on sideways.
me: haha whoops.
You’re invited to my Oscar party! The theme is movie star cuisine which means there won’t be any food.
My wife is out of town so I learned how to do laundry who knew clothes didn’t fold themselves?!?
May god have mercy on the soul of the person who takes this job
[holds out handful of sliced cheese]
pick a card
Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”
Top 3 questions asked by my parents:
3) How’s the business?
2) Do you have a girlfriend?
1) Why are you stealing from our refrigerator?
Usually before i join a teams meeting, i mute my mic. this morning i joined a call and thought i hit mute but i did not. as i joined i let out a huge long sigh that 22 people got to hear. now i need to find a new job.
Gilmore girls is a fantasy about living in a walkable community
Parenting Hack: slide a little cash your kid’s teacher’s way, & all of his crafts projects will “mysteriously” disappear after being graded.
Playing video games with your partner is a fun and easy way to start a huge fight for no reason
The most romantic way to propose is to put the ring in their dessert and when they bite it and break their tooth you yell “surprise, babe, you’re gonna be my wife and I have DENTAL COVERAGE”
How inappropriate is it to ask a stranger to scratch your back? Need to know ten minutes ago.
I just learned that Howler monkeys urinate on their hands and feet to find their way back home, and yet it still sounds more comfortable and effective than Apple maps
It’s a new year and a new me. I’d like to buy you all a drink. Waitress! One small Coke and 10,000 straws.
When I get cold in a movie theater, I pull a CVS receipt out of my purse and use it as a blanket.
We have to buy a new toaster because my son tried using the icing packet from his toaster strudel as a potholder to protect his fingers and dropped it in the toaster, where it melted and oozed icing all over.
But in his defense, it didn’t say not to do that on the box.