[commercial for rakes]

“Are u tired of eating leaves?”

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My resume says, “Gimme a job,” and I’ve had four recruiters reach out because I was so direct.


[Me as 911 Operator]

*phone rings*

I wait for it to stop ringing and text back “what’s up”


Me: The salad with chicken, cheese and can you put it between slices of bread?
Waiter: So a sandwich?
Me: I’d prefer if we called it a salad


BARBER: what’ll it be
ME: can u make me feel extremeley self-conscious for 45 minutes
BARBER: u got it


Brad Pitt: Doc, did you ever see my movie “Seven” with me and Morgurt Freeman?
Doctor: I think you mean Morgan
Brad: Sorry, Morgurt Morgan


*pours one out for my dad on Father’s Day*

*my dad’s ghost yells at me for wasting good vodka*


me: i wanna see how high this cliff is

Charles Darwin: ok, go ahead

me: ill jump off and you count how long im in the air

Charles Darwin: wait but that could ki-

me: what

Charles Darwin:

me: that could what Charles


A ladies magazine told me to compliment my wifes booty. So I told her I was glad it wasn’t hairy. I need a place to stay


When I see a car with a Romney bumper sticker driving near a car with an Obama sticker I want them to turn into transformers & battle


BREAKING: Scientists send teen girl back in time to report on WWII. “Hitler’s haircut is literally the worst,” she writes. “Also he’s mean.”