[commercial for rakes]
“Are u tired of eating leaves?”
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When your internet goes out and you are forced to get to know your surroundings
Only 1 in 6 Americans can find Ukraine on a map…
Putin is fixing the issue
by just calling it all “Russia”.
Neighbor: OMG your yard looks amazing
Me: thanks, I pee in it every Saturday night
– My dad (driving my car): How long has your car been doing this?
– Me: …Doing what?
Me: Gimme that bread, daddy
Priest: It’s Father
dream jobs:
• soup reviewer
• seer who prophesies your doom
• old lady who solves crimes in a little english village
• old lady who COMMITS crimes in a little english village
Im telling you. If you turn around for even one second, your toddler will take a swig of your wine.
[1st time doing the sex]
her: wanna get on top
me: uh, sure
[later]
me: [from the roof] are u…are u coming up
“Punch it bro, the lights gray.”
Why can’t my kids understand that I’m just not into parenting right now.
My house is clean so please don’t eat or drink or come by or let my child come home.
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
Me: Open your mouth, and close your eyes, and get ready for a big surprise.
5yo: Yum! A chocolate chip!
Me: Haha you just ate poison.
5yo: Quick. Give me the antelope!
I wonder how smart I’d be if my brain were as good at remembering anything as it is at remembering every humiliating thing I’ve ever done
I like the idea in Star Trek that universal audio translators are a thing by the 23rd century. That means around the 22nd century we just get special glasses that show subtitles
doctor: im afraid we’re going to have to amputate a leg
flamingo: i’ll manage
spider: same
snake: i have a question
She’s got a great personality!
It’s the other 6 personalities that I’m worried about….
3 years into a relationship and you get a text “i need space” loooool lets sell some furniture then
WIFE: Shouldn’t you be at work?
ME: I took care of it.
BOSS: [to the cardboard cutout of Shaq with my face glued on it]
Nice work today.
Guys, please stop wearing Nasa shirts, I bet you can’t even name one of their songs
If I get hurt playing Wii Sports, that’s still a sports injury, right?
My kids both made it into college despite the fact I helped them with their math homework.
New parent: So you have been a parent for 4 years. Any insight?
Me: It’s great. Sometimes you want to escape by faking your own death. But I’m sure it’s just a phase.
New parent: Oh, ok. How long does that last?
Me: So far? 4 years.
Blink once if you’re ok and Blink 182 if you ditched your career to find UFO’s.
Irony is how Jesus is too Liberal for most of his own Fan Clubs
[end of the night]*hand running through her hair, pulls out a lizard*
ME: no not again
*she unzips jacket, collapses into a pile of lizards*
You’d think I’d lose weight just from carrying around this extra 40 pounds wherever I go.
A woman on TV just said the great thing about cupcakes is you can make them with your kids.
Well, I still prefer flour, butter, sugar and eggs
“No, it’s not me” 😂💀