My resume says, “Gimme a job,” and I’ve had four recruiters reach out because I was so direct.
[commercial for rakes]
“Are u tired of eating leaves?”
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[Me as 911 Operator]
I wait for it to stop ringing and text back “what’s up”
Me: The salad with chicken, cheese and can you put it between slices of bread?
Waiter: So a sandwich?
Me: I’d prefer if we called it a salad
BARBER: what’ll it be
ME: can u make me feel extremeley self-conscious for 45 minutes
BARBER: u got it
Brad Pitt: Doc, did you ever see my movie “Seven” with me and Morgurt Freeman?
Doctor: I think you mean Morgan
Brad: Sorry, Morgurt Morgan
*pours one out for my dad on Father’s Day*
*my dad’s ghost yells at me for wasting good vodka*
me: i wanna see how high this cliff is
Charles Darwin: ok, go ahead
me: ill jump off and you count how long im in the air
Charles Darwin: wait but that could ki-
me: that could what Charles
A ladies magazine told me to compliment my wifes booty. So I told her I was glad it wasn’t hairy. I need a place to stay
When I see a car with a Romney bumper sticker driving near a car with an Obama sticker I want them to turn into transformers & battle
BREAKING: Scientists send teen girl back in time to report on WWII. “Hitler’s haircut is literally the worst,” she writes. “Also he’s mean.”