[commercial for salad]

Do you want to feel sad when you eat?

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When someone cries, “No one gets me”

I immediately snatch them and put them in my trunk and yell, “I got you”!


Beats by Dre is such a huge success that I think he should start a sunglasses line.

50 Shades of Dre.


You can tell a lot about a person by what they’re willing to do during conjugal visits.


It’s nice being home to spend time again with my first love: uninterrupted panic


me (tenting fingers): how can we make this deal work

cashier: you give me $7.48

me (sliding him a $20 bill): how about now?

cashier: $7.48 out of $20, $12.52 is your change. have a nice day

me (smirking): everybody wins


My mom just text me she made hash browns out of cauliflower.

How do we dissolve her parental rights?


*Sees couple arguing in store*

*Discreetly drops a pregnancy test into the cart*


When a cop asks if you know why you were pulled over, respond, “I’m actually not allowed to discuss the details of the case”


In case you were wondering, Taco Bell offers free wi-fi.

Don’t bother asking for the password, because it’s totally “Cornhole Explosion”.


Girl, yo grammatical atrocities so huge, you need typosuction.