[commercial for salad]
Do you want to feel sad when you eat?
You Might Also Like
I’m so sick and tired of all the Internet bullying. “My password is NOT weak. YOU DONT EVEN KNOW ME!”
CAT: Hey, sorry about puking on your pillow
SCHRÖDINGER {busy}: Yeah, whatever
CAT: So uh…what’s the box for?
My wife: That’s not the clothes I sent her to playschool in.
Me: But she’s the right kid?
Wife: Yes. But…
Me: Cool. I’m going to play Playstation.
*brings whipped cream to bed*
Husband: Ohh, are we trying something new?
Me: Will you hold this pumpkin pie while I get comfortable?
I married a boy when I was in the first grade. The ceremony was in the jungle gym and we exchanged ring pops. After recess was over, we went back to class and carried on with our lives. So, Patrick, if you’re out there, I’m sorry I’ve been a shitty wife for the last 32 years.
Telling jokes on Twitter makes you a Comedian… The same way skinny jeans make you skinny…
Why can’t there be nostril pattern baldness?
shiny bag: THESE CHIPS ARE UNHEALTHY
matte bag: THESE CHIPS ARE FROM A FARM AND GOD LOVES THEM
I love when actors brag about being able to cry on command like that’s some kind of major accomplishment sweetie it’s called being alive in the year 2023 of our lord.
My sister thinks I should come see her new baby, but where was she when I got my new goldfish? Nice try sis.
If happiness is a moving target and I’ve been chasing it all my life, why am I fat?
I usually stumble upon her safe words by accident, like when I say ‘moist’ or ‘I paid full price for everything at Whole Foods’
“sir, can i ask why you’re smoking TWO huge blunts?”
“officer, I’m…”
*turns to camera*
“double jointed”
*cop starts breakdancing*
Girl: *blowing kisses to boyfriend across the room*
Me: *runs in and swats kisses out of the air*
Pancakes are just crepes who let themselves go after college.
I’m annoyed giraffes don’t eat birds directly outta the sky
every day new twt alternatives pop up and then i look away for an hour and everyone is like btw krungle steals from artists for ai and btw ive already deleted my fringle account for reasons obvious cause youre out of the loop but dont sign up cause that also deletes your quorble
[Dracula giving his son “the talk”]
Dracula: you see when two monsters love each other very much, they-
Dracula’s son: they do the mash
Dracula: *nodding* they do the monster mash
I thought I was smooth, sneaking away from my date to watch a YouTube tutorial on chopsticks, but all he did was ask in horror why I took my chopsticks into the bathroom.
I like to put a few lawnmowers in the back of my truck and follow landscapers all day just to make them nervous
Before handing your wallet and wife’s necklace over to that angry gunman, pause to consider how sweet it would be if your son became Batman.
Me: if i had a time machine, i’d go back and kill–
Guy: Baby Hitler, we know
Me: …everyone who has ever interrupted me
The mailman asked me to stop my dog from barking and not sure why he thinks I’d side with him, the guy that brings me bills and catalogues I hate, over my dog, the guy that is the most handsome boy in the entire world.
Nick’s coming over
Nick from work, or Nick who thinks he’s a scorpion?
*Nick bursts through the door* HERE I AM, ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE
Rookie mistake: taking your gummies after you brush your teefs.
Why do smurfs laugh when they run? Because the grass tickles their balls 😂
I can’t believe “wife-beater shirt” is a commonly accepted term. Do they go well with child-molester hats and puppy-kicker shoes?
Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to do something, I forget what, but it’s something inconvenient.
Today, my 3 year-old yelled at me because I forgot to close the fridge, then reminded me to turn off the kitchen light.
He just needs to fall asleep during a movie and his transformation into me would be complete.