@dafloydsta

[commercial for salad]

Do you want to feel sad when you eat?

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@SexySpainNights

When someone cries, “No one gets me”

I immediately snatch them and put them in my trunk and yell, “I got you”!

@brianbowman73

Beats by Dre is such a huge success that I think he should start a sunglasses line.

50 Shades of Dre.

@Crunk_Jews

You can tell a lot about a person by what they’re willing to do during conjugal visits.

@ZackBornstein

It’s nice being home to spend time again with my first love: uninterrupted panic

@PhilJamesson

me (tenting fingers): how can we make this deal work

cashier: you give me $7.48

me (sliding him a $20 bill): how about now?

cashier: $7.48 out of $20, $12.52 is your change. have a nice day

me (smirking): everybody wins

@SaltyCorpse

My mom just text me she made hash browns out of cauliflower.

How do we dissolve her parental rights?

@blitz2six

*Sees couple arguing in store*

*Discreetly drops a pregnancy test into the cart*

@bridger_w

When a cop asks if you know why you were pulled over, respond, “I’m actually not allowed to discuss the details of the case”

@Goofpoops

In case you were wondering, Taco Bell offers free wi-fi.

Don’t bother asking for the password, because it’s totally “Cornhole Explosion”.

@ScottLinnen

Girl, yo grammatical atrocities so huge, you need typosuction.