@Trustedshoe

[commercial for soap]
NARRATOR: soap. it fights dirty.

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@darinlovesbacon

Do you single people want to know what marriage is like? Imagine having an argument in 1993 and talking about it once a week until you die

@SaltyCorpse

I have to go watch my kid in a math competition and I just don’t understand why Jesus has forsaken me like this.

@ndiquote

There are 3 types of guys in this world
? 1) Handsome
? 2) Lucky
? 3) Me

@awkwardenabled

4: Let’s go to back Target, we can get the Pokémon stuff

Me: But you don’t have any more money

4: That’s okay, we can use your money

@AbbieEvansXO

Me: I’m pregnant

Him: oh no

Me: with emotion

Him: oh, whew

Me: because there’s a baby inside me

@DBStoner

I just swallowed a Norton Anti-virus CD. I’m good now.

@envydatropic

I’m at the age where I am about to make a dentist a lot of money.

@jonnysun

*stares at phone*
why cant i sleep
*puts phone face-up on bed, the screen brigtness bathes my room in a light mor powerfubl than the sun*
oh

@OrigamiUndies

Walk up to the finest girl in the club and whisper, “excuse me, can I get at that outlet behind you hon?”