[commercial for soap]
NARRATOR: soap. it fights dirty.
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very few whales can do a kickflip but also very few skateboarders could eat 40 million krill in one day, everyone has their strengths and weaknesses
When the party host collects everyone’s coats and throws them on their bed, I just stay in mine and take a nap among the jackets.
Leia: *gasps* Chewbacca, you’re naked!
Chewbacca: *hastily puts back on his bandoleer*
[first day as undercover cop]
me: [in full uniform] lol always takes a while to get used to new routines
mobster:
“I’m on my way.” -People who haven’t even left the house yet.
Sorry, can’t. My husband is having a snoring contest with the dog and apparently I’m the judge.
“Shelley’s coming over.”
“Shelley from work or Shelley who was raised by gorillas?”
*gets hit in the face with poop*
[first day as a surgeon]
me: do you have any questions?
patient: how often do people die during this surgery?
me: just once
SON: Can I have a cookie?
ME: Ask nicer.
SON: May I please have a cookie?
ME: Like a Canadian.
SON: So sorry, could I please trouble you for one of your delicious cookies, good sir, eh? It’s okay if you say no. There’s probably a more deserving child.
ME: *hands over cookie*
He lifts up my shirt only to have a full serving of broccoli fall out, steamed to perfection
YOU KIDS GET OFF MY MOAT.
3: *throws plate in sink
Me: but you barely ate!
3: yeah, I’m full…what are you eating?
Me: the same thing you had
3: can I have a bite?
I got my husband to watch Game of Thrones with me by telling him “Just wait. There’s a good car chase comin’ up”
I’m so sick of tv and movies where the point is there are no likable characters. I don’t need to spend an hour with people I hate, I already have my life.
Teen boys either use a whole can of axe body spray or none at all. There’s no in between.
[me as a disc jockey]
me: call in with any requests
*phone rings*
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop playing mambo number 5
All the baby books tell you that infants need to eat every 2 to 3 hours, but what they fail to mention is that this behavior continues until the child turns 18 and moves out of your house.
ME: I know it’s probably the beer talking, but you look beautiful tonight!
BEER: Hey buddy, don’t be putting words in my mouth now.
ME: [plucking chicken] Who lets their eyebrows get this bad?
*pounding on her chest*
DON’T DIE ON ME KAREN!
*pounds harder*
(sobbing) BREATHE DAMMIT!
CPR instructor: Ok, so that was wrong.
Me: Do that thing I like
Him: [panics because I’m very inconsistent]
“We’re gonna need more chalk.”
– detective who discovers my body
4yo: mommy, can you make me popcorn when you are done sitting?
Me: {gets into a more comfortable position} sureee!
Pregnant women love it if you go up to them in public and ask if it’s yours
I only wear dresses on sad occasions, like funerals and weddings.
Creams that smell like fruit play with your brain.
Tempted to eat my own leg.
Smells like mango, but would probably taste like rare steak.
Complete list of all the words I know to “The Macarena”:
1- Hey
2- Macarena
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but I live in Canada. So, free health care.
Date: I love chicken
Me [trying to impress]: I’m actually a HUGE coward
inventor of shirts: sleeves are awesome
inventor of vests: disagree
inventor of turtlenecks: there should be three of them