[commercial for soap]
NARRATOR: soap. it fights dirty.
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I have a joke about trickle down economics.
99% of you won’t ever get it.
If I’m facing away from you during sex, assume I’m quietly enjoying a snack.
DR: call me with any questions
[phone rings 20 min later]
DR: hello…?
ME: you like dogs?
Boss “I’m looking for a volunteer.”
Me *chops off own legs “I can’t!”
Co-worker “I’m busy, sorry.”
Me “damn, that’s a better excuse.”
‘Wouldn’t you like a butterscotch?’
‘Sure, just hold the butter.’
hello 9-1-1? my girlfriend’s been kidnapped
“stay calm sir, what’s ur girlfriend’s name”
oh she goes to another school u wouldn’t know her
Jesus Christ this website is exhausting I just want free healthcare and a president who doesn’t look directly at eclipses
CASHIER: *squinting at credit card* Bruce Wayne, huh?
BATMAN: shit
It’s legally required that you lose a frisbee onto the roof within one hour of purchase
Rubbing alcohol is not as effective as drinking it.
I’ve been ordering a cheeseburger and fries at my bank drive-thru every week for a year and they STILL don’t think it’s funny.
Sometimes I make myself feel important by thinking in a British accent.
me: i know things haven’t been going well, but I think if we have a kid together, we can turn this around
boss: you’re still fired
Your inspirational tweet inspired me to block you.
It takes only one person in this world to make you smile. It’s called a plastic surgeon.
<enter password>
ikilledaman
<password must contain a number>
*7 hours later*
ikilled2men
BEACH BOYS: 🎶 Wouldn’t it be nice if we were older?
M. NIGHT SHYAMALAN: 🤔
The attic in my garage that has been sealed shut for 3 years is mysteriously open and omg I have to move now.
VITAMIN WATER: we’re like water, but with vitamins
ME: which ones
VITAMIN WATER: well sugar is a vitamin
ME: no it’s not
VITAMIN WATER: what about blue
*on time travel bus* oh you’re going back to kill hitler? uh yeah totally, me too *pulls jacket over spice girls world tour ’98 t shirt*
My new diet consists in killing anyone who tells me I’m fat.
I’ve found that nowadays most people don’t like holding hands in public.
Especially if you don’t know them.
The internet and tv at my house are both down, what’s a reasonable amount of time to wait before we start eating people
establish dominance over your significant other by addressing birthday and valentine’s day cards as ‘to whom it may concern’
Weighing yourself is like the sex. It’s always best if you get naked first…
can’t stop thinking about people that first ate mushrooms they found and just had to go through trial and error of like, this one tastes like beef, this one killed Brian immediately and this one makes you see God for a week
If I die at the gym, please add more weights before calling emergency services
Twitter: your jokes suck
Instagram: your face sucks
Snapchat: your life sucks
Facebook: your family misses you and is also racist
Making out like this makes me hungry ever since I practiced kissing on my ham
Him: …
Me:…
Him: …
Me: …
Him: It’s “HAND”
Me: Say oink
therapist: and what did we say you should do when you’re feeling upset?
me: order a large pizza and eat it in the shower while thinking of ways to avenge those who hurt me
therapist: no