[commercial for soup]
NARRATOR: ever wanna drink a sandwich?
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Is Mercury still in the microwave?
5: Unicorns aren’t real.
13: Where do you think glitter comes from?
10: And if unicorns didn’t sneeze we wouldn’t have slime either.
Big Sisters: the original fake news source
is it thunder or is someone rolling out their garbage cans to the curb
If you’re depressed, start exercising.
You’ll still be depressed, but you’ll be depressed with abs.
Don’t wear pajamas in public. You don’t know who you might run into, like the person who saw you wearing them yesterday.
*For those who believe everything they see on social media, kindly watch this.*(👆)
Good morning to everyone except the people who prefer the taste of margarine over butter.
Interior designer: Ugh, this is old and outdated.
Me: Wait, did you just point at me?
Toddler boy: worry about them eating enough.
Teen boy: worry about them leaving you something to eat.
I told our stepmom that when you first log onto Zoom calls, you’re supposed to put your face close to the camera and open your mouth really wide so other callers can examine your teeth.
My brother just sent me an angry text.
Having a toddler is a great way to find out how much milk your tennis shoe will hold
Happy Birthday to me. 27 years old… in Spice Girl years.
When my son loses his 1st tooth, Im putting $1 under his pillow and a note that says “I’ll be back with a hammer for the rest. -Tooth Fairy”
Paid my mortgage so don’t ask me to come out. I’m getting my moneys worth.
“I will cook for you.” I threatened
I wonder how police on bikes arrest people.
“Alright get in the basket.“
Brb taking my potted plant for a walk
“And that is tha sunshine, and this is another plant, you guys can’t be friends he lives outside”
Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.
Find a penny
Pick it up
All day long
You’ll have lower back pain
I mean, I had to pay a gym membership so technically they’re not really free weights.
flight attendant: sir, you can’t bring that cow manure on the plane
me: THIS IS BULLSHIT!
“I can function just fine on 3 hours of sleep”, I say as I begin pouring vodka into the coffee maker instead of water.
Donkey Kong sommelier
Life Coach: Tell me something you’ve done that’s amazing
Me: Once I sneezed so loud in a restroom, a paper towel dispensed automatically
being older than your parents were when they had you is a bizarre feeling, like what the fuck do you mean I was once left unsupervised in the care of a 26-year-old
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
Probably a good sized dog or motivated cat could do the trick.
A big bunch of gerbils, maybe.
Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”
me putting things at the top of cabinet is top tier self hatred
In the Phoenix airport & I just heard a guys laptop say “you’ve got mail”. Pretty sure I’ve landed in 1998.
Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see