[commercial for string cheese] do you like cheese?
me: YES
“do you like string?”
me: yes?
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My family using a Ouija board to summon my spirit: “Are you with us? Please, shows us you are here! Wait, it’s moving… o-m-g-w-h-a-t-d-o-y-o-u-w-a-n…”
[Justice League Disney Hotel]
Me: can I have some help with my bags?
Aquaman: Sure. Water friends for.
Fact: If you eat a slice of pizza fast enough, your body won’t understand how many calories are in it.
me: arch your back it’ll give you more power
guy at the next urinal: what
Phone: Swipe for Face ID.
Me: [swipe]
Phone: I don’t recognize you.
Me: [smiles]
Phone: I still don’t recognize you.
Me: [holds bag of chips in front of my face]
Phone: oh okay there you are
I just watched Grease and it makes me sad how kids today are too lazy to buy matching leather jackets and smoke cigarettes.
If horror movies have taught me anything it’s that you can build a house on an Indian burial ground & yet still be haunted by white people.
When people tell me my skin is soft I can’t help but wonder if they’re measuring me for a rug
Twitter 2013: “Come and see what fun things your favourite celebrities are up to!”
Twitter 2023: “Your old favourite celebrities are now convinced lizard people are trying to take away your car and replace them with genders”
There are 7 trillion nerves in the human body and some people manage to get on every one.
Blew my nose…….lost 2 pounds of mucous and got an ab workout.
[googling recipes for success and checking the cupboard]
well I hope it calls for a 3 yr old bag of marshmallows
Stop tweeting about what real women are and are not. You’re going to blow my secret that I’m a lizard creature zipped into a woman suit
Guy: you’ve been a bad girl.
Girl: yes baby, punish me.
Guy: OK. *burns all her shoes*.
Bit creepy of my maths teacher to put a little kiss after each answer.
Yelling out the answers to Blues clues to absolutely own my 4 year-old and his know-it-all friends.
“Do not touch” must be one of the scariest things to read in braille.
Me: I bought mini cinnamon rolls
Friend: how many?
Me: I don’t know how, but they’re tiny
My boss is so lazy he just clutched his chest and tumbled down the stairs and now he’s asleep at the bottom.
I would watch Real Housewives if it was like Game of Thrones and they would occasionally and suddenly behead one of the main characters.
Me: just running to the store, who cares what I’m wearing
Also me: runs into everybody I know
Imagine the sound a centipede would make if they wore tiny flip flops…
[Honest banana advertisement]
Bananas: You’re gonna buy too many
My grandpa used to whip us grankids with his belt, but I know he did it out of love: he really loved whipping children.
If I didn’t have an imaginary friend as a child does it mean that somewhere at some point in time I WAS the imaginary friend?
The first person to milk a cow was playing a savage game of Truth or Dare
So my neighbor is baking apple pie, and I’m just sitting here waiting for her to put it on the windowsill
Nothing like waking to a perfect day – blue sky, sun shining, birds tweeting and the dulcet tones of my children, fighting to the death over a piece of cardboard