[commercial for tupperware]
Are you done with that food, but would rather throw it away in 3 weeks rather than right now?
– Tupperware
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[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Homemade hand sanitizer, just like Mama used to make.
President The Rock Obama
Me: *rubs broom back & forth in front of kid gliding in heelys
Friend: pls stop curling children
The way this woman squealed when getting proposed to is the exact same reaction I had when I found out the restaurant serves 3lb. lobster.
My husband’s family tree is more like a rosebush.
It’s filled with pricks.
I don’t drink. This means when I do karaoke, it’s on purpose.
Got fired by the DMV for giving Stuart Little his driver’s license
Sleep is just something clowns made up so they can eat you.
You’d think for $40 they’d be able to cut anything but apparently my wife’s expensive craft scissors are not for opening ice pops.
My neighbor totally has heads in his freezer.
– My neighbor
Gf: *holding my secret second phone* what the hell is this for
Me: *uses it so my screen time doesn’t say 19 hours a day* cheating
Answering all the ‘how r u’ DM’s with ‘I got my period’ is going surprising well
My 6yo carried our Google Home Mini around the house all day asking it question after question to the point where I found it locked in the bathroom crying with a glass of wine.
**marked safe from the loose thread I thought was a spider**
Me: I’m a little self conscious with the lights on. Mind turning them out?
Doctor: Just turn your head and cough.
Ever notice how like 97% of people just make up statistics on here?
Whenever I’m facing a moral dilemma, I think of the advice my father gave me.
“Never leave a paper trail,” he’d say, tapping the glass partition between us for emphasis.
Wife: could you just run to the-
Edward Scissorhands: you want me to WHAT
“so i was reading an article the other day” is code for “i saw this tiktok while i was sitting on the toilet”
*popular kid is struggling in class
*gets a tutor to help
*Kool-Aid
Anyone else having a near life experience today?
The doctor said to spread my legs wider for the exam. Going to the optometrist is kind of fun.
Twitter is my favorite MMORPG ever. I just say nasty shit and then I get to collect awesome people like experience points.
I named my toilet Jim instead of John and now everyone is always so impressed when I tell them I go to the Jim everyday.
My rapper name is Chick P cause I mostly just hum about us.
Me: you need to pick up your Legos
4: can I ask you something first
M:
4: how about you pick up my Legos and I play with my cars while you do that
M:
4: I think that’s the best plan
M: um, no
4: screams
gonna be sporting and give tim a five minute head start
Wakes up at 6:30. Quietly makes coffee and takes dog outside. Sits down with phone and vows not to waste entire day on Twitter.
… 5 minutes later
wife: supper’s ready!!
Me: Cook it al dente.
Waiter: This is Red Lobster.
To all the boys I didn’t really like but then realized they liked me so I started liking them and then they stopped liking me so it made me like them more.