[coworker starts talking to me at my cubicle]
Welp, nice chatting. This is my stop.
[puts in earbuds]
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A gentleman always straightens out the vending machine after shaking it.
Director: Ok, this time you have to say the butter part
Owen Wilson: wow
Director: The whole thing Owen, “Wow, I can’t believe it’s not butter”
Owen Wilson: wow
ME: I’m not voting for anyone
CLINTON: that’s a vote for Trump!
TRUMP: that’s a vote for Clinton!
ME: looks like I’m voting twice then
I’m only seeing the new Jurassic Park if the dinosaurs aren’t a metaphor for anything. Don’t want to look at a stegosaurus and have to think about neoliberalism or the modern surveillance state
Blood is thicker than water but has nothing on Thousand Island dressing.
The temperature went from 90 to 55 like it saw a state trooper
[Snow White sees her doctor]
Snow White: How bad is it, Doctor?
Doc: Damn it I told you I’m a mine worker not a doctor. It’s my name, idiot
i accidentally told a customer their total was $17.76 instead of $17.67 i said “sorry.. just thinking about the declaration of independence i guess” and he did not laugh or smile
“You need to chill out, you’ve yelled at everything that isn’t a snack.”
–my 10 year old
Don’t watch nature documentaries with me unless you want more information than the narration provides.
The c in scent is quiet today. Too quiet.
Sometimes I think about when I told my 10 year old he could be like me when he grew up because I was trying to be cool and he said YAY, I GET TO LAY ON A HEATING PAD ALL DAY
Our family rule is that if the kid’s costume costs more than $50, they have to wear it to school at least four times after Halloween.
Him: I got 99 problems but you ain’t one.
Her: Just wait.
This is why I don’t delete Facebook
The part I don’t like about the show Unsolved Mysteries is when the mysteries don’t get solved.
Starting to think that having kids just to get some help around the house was a bad idea.
*wakes up in a cold sweat*
Ohhhh OVERALLS because you wear them over all your other clothes
If you ask me to give you a ride anywhere on less than 2 hours notice, you’re gonna be sitting in a pile of empty soda bottles and chip bags.
Just told my driving instructor to put his seat belt ON for his safety. I’m definitely going to get the license this time.
“Oh shit, I’m supposed to go find them…”
Who?
“The kids. We were playing hide and seek.”
-my husband, about 20 minutes into a conversation he and I were having
I am rebranding my disorganized and cluttered house as a ‘masterclass of maximalism’
An ambulance just went down my road. Within seconds I went running outside to see where it stopped. I have become my parents.
[inventing the turtle] put the worst dinosaur in an army helmet
Let your kids play tetris all day so they develop the required skills to park at Trader Joe’s.
I’m a simple woman. I don’t need fancy things like jewelry or sanity to be happy.
“A Bunch of Stuff I Remembered and Then Compiled into a Narratively Cohesive Yet Inconsistently Compelling Tome: A Memoir”
Turns out that ending meetings with “have the day you deserve” has made me some enemies at work.
♫ Hey there Delilah, what’s it like when u go grazing
I know u said you’re not a cow but girl this milk sure tastes amazing
Did u just moo ♫
Don’t know how to delete tweets so please disregard the one earlier in which I angrily accused my enemies of breaking into my house without any signs of forced entry and stealing only my favourite red t-shirt as part of an evil mind game. Just realised I was already wearing it