Commercial for Twitter:
“Are you tired of arguing with people you actually know?”
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Little known Chinese proverb – He who walks barefoot in a dog’s backyard will be sorry
My husband spent an hour at Home Depot yesterday and I spent an hour trying to find my husband in Home Depot yesterday.
wtf are you supposed to do when maintenance people come over your house? do I stand there and tell him he’s doing a good job?
“How’d the date go?”
Not good. Too many red flags.
*Flashback to her house being covered with USSR flags*
I think she might be a communist.
Yup
HER: Mmm you smell good.
ME: Thanks. I use both my nostrils.
*first time fishing*
Me: Ok now what
Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth
Me: orkay nrow wrhat
Are you a can of biscuits? Because I’d like to bang you on the counter.
woops did i leave both of my bowling trophies in my hands during sex again that’s embarrassing
Do you believe in life after love?
-Me as a Cher-apist
The first rule of Tall Girl Club is we must introduce ourselves by telling eachother where we were able to find pants
“No thanks, I’m vegan,” is apparently not funny when someone hands you a baby. 🤭
When someone says they worked like a dog, I’m envious because every dog I’ve ever known has done nothing all day long.
My husband and I keep the spark alive in our marriage.
I send flirty pictures of stuff I want to buy and he sends flirty little messages like, “I thought we agreed to save money.”
Horses kill more people than sharks, which is weird — I didn’t even know horses could live underwater.
My 8yo nephew who has never seen a CD player before just asked if the eject button was for his seat in my car and in this very moment I wish it was
Frenchmen, still hiding inside The Statue of Liberty: soon.
When I was younger, I always wanted to become a Gregorian monk.
Unfortunately, I never had the chants
Listens to you abuse me for my cargo shorts.
Reaches into pocket. Pulls out pack of peanut butter cheese crackers. Hands them to you.
I trust that will be the end of that.
You don’t need to write “imo”. Nobody is confusing your tweets with Nietzsche.
I don’t have any kids but I am a proud father of a food baby right now.
I finally used all those stickers I collected over the years. Now everything in my house is an Apple product.
kid: let’s go to disneyland
dad: fair enough
kid: no, disneyland
Now that 1 in every 3 people cheats in their relationships,I’m left wondering. . .Is it my wife or my girlfriend that’s cheating?
Sure sex is great but have you pulled a sticker off something in one go?
[at divorce lawyer]
bad news, currently all your husbands assets are frozen
“he didn’t”
he bought 1547 copies of it, he must really hate you
I saw a man running and started to panic that there was a fire or a bear and then I remembered that some people just do that.
[waxing salon]
ME: I need to make a waxing appointment.
ASSOCIATE: You want a Brazilian?
ME: No, I don’t need that many.
DATE: I want to date someone that is really into nature
MY BRAIN: say you like hiking
MY MOUTH: I’m planning to go off the grid & move into the mountains to become a forest troll soon
Seagulls are like street signs. You don’t realize how big they are until you’re trying to steal one.