Commercial for Twitter:
“Are you tired of arguing with people you actually know?”
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Trainer: WHAT DO YOU WANT?
Me: A BIKINI BODY
T: WHEN DO YOU WANT IT?
Just after I finish this beer.
I’ll believe corporations are people when Texas executes one.
I’m 34 years old and I still don’t know what to do when the barber shows me the back of my head with that little mirror.
Going out with a girl who works in cyber security next week so I’m gonna print out all my passwords and ask what she thinks
What’s the best way to commemorate the 500th episode of your podcast and why is it throwing yourself into an active volcano?
I will cook for you
-me, threatening
I wonder how many different vegetables they exploded before they discovered popcorn.
At the first signs of a sore throat you should be given the option of just skipping 4 days into the future
Why do some wine bottles wear fishnet tights?
Beyoncé: Who run the world?
Me: Oligarchs?
Beyoncé: This really changes my song
How much credibility is there in that whole “you can punch yourself handsome” theory?
Asking for a friend.
WIFE: I thought you said you were going to the gym.
ME: [playing Pokémon Go] I’ve been to like 3 of them today. What are you talking about?
You can just tell people you’re writing a novel even if you’re not. There will not be follow up questions.
At the grocery. Wearing my mask. Lady behind me, snarky & loud enough to make sure I heard, “don’t guess she realizes that stupid mask won’t do any good.” Me: “Honey, I’m an off duty nurse, I’m wearing it to protect YOU. But, I can take it off if you’d like.” She practically ran.
Dads will wake up at 5 AM so they have more time in their day to tell everyone they woke up at 5 AM.
Paper plates don’t have to go so hard with the marketing. Whimsical floral design? I just need to know microwaveable y/n
Me: Could we please have a cushion of time between Halloween and when the Christmas music starts playing?
All of retail: No.
happy birthday to me. i am 25.
I really don’t get Astrology but I just hope my daughter stays a Virgo until she’s at least 18.
If Anubis tried to weigh my heart to pass judgment on my eternal soul I would chase that dog with a vacuum cleaner
One of my lamps has a light bulb which has outlasted my past 7 relationships.
It’s cute how I ordered 2 drinks and the bartender asked if I wanted to wait for the other person to be seated
I understand why this patron is so upset. His plan — to come to the library on the last day of tax season and expect to find someone there who would promptly file his taxes for him — seemed, admittedly, foolproof.
my sister: snowboards
my brother: skateboards
me: charcuterie boards
I like to think I didn’t lose a girlfriend, instead I gained an enemy.
“Do you love the shape of hamburgers but hate that delicious taste?” -Veggie Burgers
[Deathbed]
Gandalf: *struggling to sit up* Frodo
Frodo: yes Gandalf?
Gandalf: theres something i always wanted to say
Frodo: *tearing up at the thought of being told he is like a son to him* yes?
Gandalf: we- *dying breath* we totally could have rode the eagles the whole way
urinal cakes? what’s next? urinal muffins and cookies? urinal brownies? urinal tarts? an entire unexplored world out there
I don’t want to brag but I have a really nice bum. Found him under the bridge.
Got kicked outta Starbucks for trying to order a venti mocha choca latta ya-ya creole lady marmalaaaaaaaaade.