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@jjhartinger: [Commercial for X-Games]
Drank too much Red Bull? Want to prove it?
@NoogsCorner: Me: It actually takes light around 8 minutes to travel from the Sun to Earth.
Her: Umm light is instant. Everyone knows that.
Me: Go home.
@FrazzleMyGimp: ROOMBA: I pick up anything
ME: [throwing it my car keys] Great, my kids are done with school at 3:30
ROOMBA: No wait-
[45 minutes later]
ROOMBA: You learn anything new today?
@mommajessiec: Husband: Don’t the kids have swimming tonight at 6?
Me: It’s at 7.
H: Oh, I was close.
Me: Yeah, the season ended 3 weeks ago.
@jessforaminute: Lick the corner of your mouth. The corner. JUST the CORNER. God damn it Diane do you want to be America's Next Top Model or the Hamburglar
ME: I think the router has reset now
GF: Oh thank God