[Commercial for X-Games]
Drank too much Red Bull? Want to prove it?
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Alcohol may not be able to give you a loving hug when you need it but the Liquor Mart employee’s you’re buying it off of sure can.
wordle is a big pharma conspiracy to sell us more ibuprofen
Some people are like water balloons; they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
i wonder if it’s possible to swim from one end to the other in a pool filled with mashed potatoes ?
freak people out in public restrooms by saying “come in” when they knock on the stall door
If I win Powerball, I’m having at least six of you killed. Four of you know who you are. I think the other two will be very surprised.
Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.
Friend: What have you been watching lately?
Me: Zoom
I’ve waited and prepared my whole life for an end of the world scenario
[gets killed and eaten in the first 10 minutes]
‘We both know you need to pee:’
~the monster under my bed
Women out here dating guys with three felonies
but being a sagittarius is too much of a red flag.
So glad we cleared that up
How much do you want to bet that the inventor of the Lazy Susan has an ex-wife named Susan?
Relationship status – table for one but drinks for two
My girlfriend [31f] doesn’t know how to count months and it’s actually causing problems in our relationship [31m]
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: (who is terrified of becoming a vampire) Hopefully in a mirror
It’s okay when Pac Man runs all over the place eating pills and claiming ghosts are after him but when I do it I’m “crazy.”
Any house is an Airbnb if you’re quiet enough
*gains winter weight for “insulation”
*is now fat and cold
Aoccdrnig to Ylae rseaerch, it deosn’t mtater waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are in, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is how mcuh mnoey you hvae
All I’m saying is when a person is intoxicated, it’s difficult to tell if they’re dancing or backing up.
Hubs said we should only drink one night a week…. But he didn’t say anything about the day 😜 #sundayfunday
WIFE: When my sister goes on holidays, she likes to stay off the beaten track, often using lesser known roads to see the country.
ME: *barely audible* a detourist
WIFE: Get out.
There are many effective ways of inviting me to your event but doing it on Facebook is definitely not one of them.
[ bob ross paints over me with a tree ]
I took sex ed in school. At no point did they point out that I wouldn’t have any
“Someone’s been sleeping in my bed!” said mommy bear. “Who hasn’t” muttered daddy bear. “What?! You wanna do this now, in front of the kid!”
“Choose password”
> 123bob“Password must not contain common names & must be complex with at least 50 characters”
> gameofthrones“OK”
Alice: *falls into the rabbit hole*
White Rabbit: WROOOOOONG HOOOOOOOLE
I can’t afford an electric toothbrush, so I just roll a baby hedgehog in some toothpaste and hold in it my mouth for 15 minutes.