[Ouija board starts shaking and screeching]
Me: hold on I gotta take this
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Me: I want to take you home and drink you up baby
Case of beer: I have a boyfriend
[snowman rings doorbell]
Pardon me, but I overheard someone say something about a “snow blower” and was wondering where I might find one.
Turned on the telly and there’s all the Kings horses and all the Kings men, so I assume they’re on their way to some egg related emergency.
I call my nephews “Dude” and “Homie” because I’m the cool Aunt! (I don’t know their names.)
Sardine Wife: “What’s wrong?”
Sardine Husband: “I just need some space, Linda.”
Sardine Wife: “WHERE EXACTLY SHOULD I GO, KENNETH”
I eat too much candy. I know this because my dentist plans his annual trip to Hawaii after my appointments.
Dishwasher broke, so now I’m washing them all by hand like some sort of motherless Disney Princess.
God: You really should return to Earth
Jesus: *takes bong hit* Tomorrow
God: You’ve been saying that for centuries
Jesus: *exhales*
If you find me on my death bed, please wake me up and move me over to the life couch. Throw the death bed away, I don’t know why I keep it.
Kid: Everything poops?
Me: Kinda
K: Trees don’t poop
M: Trees produce waste, which in their case is oxygen
K: So we’re breathing tree poop?
M:
K:
M: Don’t you have XBox to play or something?
Me: If you love something you have to let it go.
Wife: Get your own bag of shredded cheese
me: i won employee of the month
her: ur self-employed
me:
her:
me: i also got demoted
Traffic fantasy:
– Someone does something stupid
– I give them “the look”
– They learn their lesson
– The roads are safer because of me
Steve Miller: “Some call me the gangster of love.”
Rest of the Steve Miller Band: “Nobody calls him that.”
It isn’t until your kids start talking back that you realize dogs would’ve been a better option.
Your whole life changes when your older kid is finally old enough to babysit your younger kid.
Our landline rang today and all three of our kids got confused and went outside because they thought a fire alarm was going off.
I’ll be buried in a spring-loaded coffin stuffed w/ tons of confetti. In the future some archeologist is gonna have an awesome day at work.
STYLIST: “What are you thinking?”
HIM: “This might sound weird…”
STYLIST: “Try me.”
HIM: “What if Abraham Lincoln and John Lennon gave birth to a fidget spinner?”
STYLIST: “I got this.”
I hope Obama spends the last 2 years of his term replying to all the tweets we’ve sent him.
Facebook: your old HS friend just sent you a friend request
me: cool!
Facebook: she’s racist now
me: uhh
Facebook: everyone on here is
Me: whale sharks should really pick a lane ya know
Aquarium guide: let’s focus on finding your kid
how long are you supposed to age potato salad in the sun?
There’s plenty of fish in the sea except when you’re fishing, or single.
I’d walk through fire for my daughter. Well not FIRE, because it’s dangerous. But a super humid room. But not too humid, because my hair.
The best way to tell someone you don’t like them is to text them 370HSSV 0773H and tell them to read it upside down.
found out today that in my 7-unit “no pets allowed” apartment building, I am the only one without a cat. I’ve been surrounded by secret cats this whole time
A hearse was in front of me in the drive through lane at a burger joint. I have questions.