Commercial: You don’t want to come home from your vacation with Hep A or Hep B
Me: Hell ya I do
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When she told me, “You’re best to try and get out in front of it,” I didn’t realize she was referring to a large truck…
(Buying sheet cake, donuts, brownies, ice cream, Guinness, and whiskey)
Cashier: Oooh what’s the special occasion?
Me: I read the news…
It turns out the line is longer for the home office bathroom.
5 easy ways to make money as a writer:
• Sell your blood
• Return cans and bottles
• Shoplift and re-sell items from a cart
• Learn to play guitar and busk
• Pawn your laptop
Turns out it wasn’t vertigo causing me to run into things, it was vodka.
Forgive me father for I have sinned, it’s been 25 yrs since my last confession, I sure hope you’re seated comfortably.
The best call ever would be “Hey, it’s me!”, but from your dog…
Because:
1. Aww your dog’s calling you
2. Holy shit your dog can talk!!
A pizza bagel is two foods that were just fine on their own but got sat on in a lunch bag.
Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered.
What’s the past tense of “wake & bake”?
“Woke and boke”?
“Awake and baked”?
“Awakened and baconed”?Whatever it is, I’m that
Girlfriend: Are you crying?
Me: It’s a wedding episode…
Gf: But you don’t even like this show
Me: Yeah but at first the wedding was cancelled…but they pulled it together…because of love 😭
Every time I take out a sleeve of saltines, my dog suddenly awakens from her deep sleep and I gotta show her one so she can be like “oh yeah lol fuck that” and go right back to sleep
BOSS: This is hard to say…we need to make cutbacks
ME: What’s so hard? “We need to make cutbacks” See? Piece of cake
BOSS: Getting easier
barbecue implies the existence of a carolecue and possibly a debecue
And occasionally she would come back into his life like a burp from a bad pickled egg eaten at a church social.
Hey guys. Stop touching your wife’s pregnant belly in pictures. We get it, you came in her.
“Umm, what are you doing? Can you not? Seriously, get off me!”
– The first horse ever ridden (probably)
Someone asked me how much I normally spend on a bottle of wine.
Answering “usually an hour” wasn’t the right answer. I know this now.
I farted alone in a room and then my girlfriend’s dad came in. Now I have to pretend like something is dead in the walls and help him look.
is it considered a threesome if i jack off with both hands?
He is ready
#meowed #TheMeowedClub
My wife is going to the hair salon today so for the next few hours I will be practising my reaction.
[sharing a cold one with the fellas] It’s my turn to hold the penguin
I don’t wear my apron because I’m never wearing clothes more expensive than the apron.
Bikes are held up by witchcraft if u can ride a bike you are a level 1 wizard & if u can ride a unicycle you are a level 2 dork haha owned
My car is saying it needs another oil change even though I literally got one in 2020. This is how the auto industry gets you.
“When I’m dead, I’d like you to buy a $9,000 box and throw it down a hole.”
-Humans
lawyer: I haven’t won a case since last year’s hearing loss.
me: what was the hearing for?
lawyer: WHAT?
me: the hearing.
lawyer: WHAT?