*Camera focuses on a man choking on a whole apple*

Narrator: “If only there was a better way?”

[On Screen Caption]


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Of all my sins, I do gluttony the best. I am also pretty good at coveting my neighbour’s wife.


CEO: Long lines. Bad parking. No shade. Crying kids. $7.00 drinks. We need a good name.

ETHAN: How about “amusement park”?

CEO: [under breath] Genius


WIFE: Use the newspaper to get that bee down

ME: Ok *grabs newspaper and reads the news out loud*

BEE *depressed* holy shit


Urgent: do vampires need to be invited into each individual apartment in a building or do they just need to get in the lobby?


I am furious that some are willfully misreading my column, “Let’s Feed Babies to the Sharks”, as an endorsement of feeding babies to sharks. To be clear: I was merely representing the entirely legitimate view many have that some babies – let’s be honest – should be fed to sharks.


My bunny thumps at trash collectors. Nice to know that if the Sanitation Dept. ever has ill intentions, she won’t stand for any of that shit


interviewer: what’s your greatest strength
me: you tell me
interviewer: delegating?
me: that’s right


My house fluctuates between smelling like a freshly baked cake or a tropical island vacation because aromatherapy provides what I cannot.


Call me old fashioned, but I never cry in front of another man unless it’s to get out of a speeding ticket…