How does Disney decide who needs pants and who doesn’t?
[man comes home after long day, opens front door and is attacked by 8 cats]
MAN: There has to be a better way!
You Might Also Like
[i go to the aquarium wearing my cowboy boots and hat] “can we get extra security at the seahorse exhibit? yeah, he’s here again.”
if i were Will Smith in iRobot, i’d simply defeat the robots by asking them to identify which of the following pictures contains a bicycle
Bro are you joking? Are you being a court jester right now? Dude, are you jumping around in your jingly jangly hat bro?
This is the scale that I will be using for everything from now on.
ROOMBA: I pick up anything
ME: [throwing it my car keys] Great, my kids are done with school at 3:30
ROOMBA: No wait-
[45 minutes later]
ROOMBA: You learn anything new today?
[burglar gently waking me] you live like this?
The only real importance in life is getting ahead.
Head. I meant to say head.
Him: how do you call your loverboy?
Me: C’mere loverboy.
Him: and if he doesn’t answer?
Me: ohhhh loverboy
Him: and if he STILL doesn’t answer?
Me: FFS, I walk away cause honestly I don’t have time for games.