@ibid78

[commercial]
[man comes home after long day, opens front door and is attacked by 8 cats]
MAN: There has to be a better way!
Narrator: DOGS

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@PhuckinCody

[i go to the aquarium wearing my cowboy boots and hat] “can we get extra security at the seahorse exhibit? yeah, he’s here again.”

@TommyRainmaker

if i were Will Smith in iRobot, i’d simply defeat the robots by asking them to identify which of the following pictures contains a bicycle

@Mark_Dubs

Bro are you joking? Are you being a court jester right now? Dude, are you jumping around in your jingly jangly hat bro?

@zannah

This is the scale that I will be using for everything from now on.

@FrazzleMyGimp

ROOMBA: I pick up anything

ME: [throwing it my car keys] Great, my kids are done with school at 3:30

ROOMBA: No wait-

[45 minutes later]

ROOMBA: You learn anything new today?

@FrizerkaSandra

The only real importance in life is getting ahead.

Head. I meant to say head.

@toomanycommas3

Him: how do you call your loverboy?
Me: C’mere loverboy.
Him: and if he doesn’t answer?
Me: ohhhh loverboy
Him: and if he STILL doesn’t answer?
Me:
Him:
Me: FFS, I walk away cause honestly I don’t have time for games.