[commercial]
Narrator: These are real people and not actors-Actor watching the commercial: *throws lamp at TV* WE’RE PEOPLE TOO!
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Biden: I found a cool new apartment for us downtown
Obama: Joe…Michelle and I are-
Michelle: [covers obama’s mouth] are so excited!
Who called it “falling in love” and not “assisted suicide”?
What jugglers do best
1. Juggle
2. Make people who can’t juggle feel bad for not being able to juggle
Just peed so much that a little laugh came out.
My wife has close friends whose husbands are notably worse than me and I highly recommend this arrangement
Astronaut: wtf is this
NASA: it’s space food
A: I specifically asked for only Milky Way bars
N: look we get it but-
A: no no I’m coming down
Customize Your Wedding.
The wifi going down on me is the most action I’m going to get tonight.
wife: the car battery is dead and i’m gonna be late for work. can you jump it for me?
me: [punching car battery] you like making my wife late?
If you eat enough ice cream
your clothes will shrink. Weeeeird.
I don’t want to house hunt, I only do it to keep house populations in check.
#ISeeNoPointIn trying to do bunny ears as a joke
Forgot to mute myself on a Zoom call while my kids were home and my boss gave me three extra weeks of vacation.
I like to play 20 Questions with my kids but I always ask the questions and every question is “Will you please stop that?”
It is a truth universally acknowledged that no two people have the same interpretation of the words “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
I was sad until I automatically connected to the local McDonald’s WiFi, then I was ~extra~ sad.
At this point I feel like MTV is just trying to scare old people.
If she’s your girlfriend why is she leaning over the side of the boat to touch me in a way she will never touch you?
doctors don’t really need to hit you with that rubber hammer it’s just how they release a lil tension through the day
6 wakes me at 6:30am: wanna play a game?
Me: go hide! 1, 2, 3…
6: you’ll never find me!
Me: *goes back to sleep*
ad for jk rowling’s fantastic beasts and where to find them:
wat if harry poter was pokemon
Australia: geologist beaten up by “angriest octopus” on beach
Can’t wait for Game of Thrones to come back because I miss civilized political discourse.
therapist: so, how are you feeling?
me: i’m feeling ok
therapist: great! let’s ruin that feeling by unearthing some childhood trauma
welcome to your forties now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder
I lost my voice so basically I’m every mans dream girl right now.
I think having a highway to Hell and only a stairway to Heaven says a lot about anticipated traffic numbers.
Your friends will stand by you even when you’re at your worst because people are stupid
“At least Donald Trump says what he thinks.”
Ah yes if only all racists would shout about it constantly the world would be a better place.