Commercials for prescription drugs would be better if the actors had to act out the side effects too.
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no one who’s ever been hit in the head with a softball calls it a softball
The first computer dates back to Adam and Eve.
It was an Apple with limited memory,
just one byte. And then everything crashed.
airport customs officer: *slowly unzipping my bag* anything to declare?
me: how many spiders am I allowed?
airport customs officer: *slowly doing my bag up again*
Halloween combines my 3 least favorite things: Answering the door, giving away food and children.
House Hunters:
“Well I gotta be near the beach. A heliport would be a plus. I need 9 bedrooms, an IMAX theater & a moat. My budget is $314.”
When I’m washing dishes and someone puts another plate in the sink.
I saved time doing yard work by renaming the weeds “plants”
Me: Why does the neighbor always watch me while I’m gardening?
Her: He’s a paramedic.
It’s impossible to lick your elbow. You never let me. Please. I want this.
I’m sorry a horse was able to unlock your phone using facial recognition…
Every time I see a person handing out flyers it blows my mind that some people actually get paid to distribute garbage to strangers.
Just saw a man park, walk into a movie theater, walk out two minutes later with a large popcorn and a fountain soda, get in his car, and drive away. A hero of our time.
My 1-year-old has been beeping at me all morning.
I thought there was something wrong with her.
Turns out she’s being R2-D2.
“Dark Side Tech Support.”
“Hi. My hand lightning won’t work. The hate’s flowing thru me, but nada.”
“Try turning the hate off & on again.”
‘I don’t know, man…that deer could have rabies.’
~nervous tics
dad: I AM VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN
son: HI VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN IM GREG
dad: omg [sheds a tear]
Not to brag but I also have a things-to-undo list
Deep in the black void where my heart once beat, there lies a small, glowing ember– oh wait no that’s a Cheeto.
I applied for a government job today and accidentally sent the wrong resume. This early display of incompetence should work in my favor.
Ah to be a little slug on a day like today. The rain is out. No cares in the world. Time for slime.
My husband and I ran out of toothpaste a month ago and neither of us said anything out loud but we’re both waiting on the other to buy more. The silver lining is we are finally making a dent in 15 years of travel-sized toothpaste containers from the dentist.
First date idea.
Pick your favorite pizza place, and send one to my house.
If you steal piles of leaves from someone else’s yard it’s called grand theft autumn.
So you better just leaf it right there. 😎🍂
I keep renewing my auto warranty yet they’re still calling. How many times must I give them my credit card number?
My husband used the word “analyze” during sex so I’m going to throw myself into on coming traffic now.
[cashier training, day 1]
“Be sure to comment on everything a customer buys. They love that.”
ME: are those new shoes?
HIM: yeah, but *gets down on one knee* would you…
ME: *tearing up* yes?!?
HIM: tie my shoes for me? mother never taught me how
In the old days if you wanted to hit snooze you had to shoot the rooster with a tranq dart that lasted exactly 9 minutes
My 4 year old daughter found a set of handcuffs in the bedroom. How the hell she found them I don’t know. She asked me why they were there. I said they were for when Daddy had been naughty he had to wear them. She repeated this to her Grandparents. Absolutely mortified.