[commercial]
“This commercial is so confusing. I wish they would just tell us what they’re selling”
narrator: Narrators
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I’m not a regular Mom.
I’m a “YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR VIDEO GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!” Mom.
called in thicc to work this morning
She really didn’t have nine lives, just one very stubborn life that wouldn’t go away.
Me:
Goes to bed early
Gets 8 hours of sleep.
Eats healthy breakfast.
Takes a hot shower.
Listens to great music on the walk to work.Colleagues: “You look tired.”
Me: I’m going to be healthy
Breakfast: fruit
Lunch: sandwich
Dinner: salad
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream
BOSS: this is our mortician, david
ME: *goes up for a high five* more like caDAVEer, amirite
DAVID:
ME: just gonna stiff me, huh?
DAVID:
ME: ᵒᶠ ᶜᵒʳᵖˢᵉ ʸᵒᵘ ᵃʳᵉ
Alanis Morissette: It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a knife.
Spoons R Us clerk: Ma’am, nobody asked you to shop here.
Anyone who has biological children can call themselves a body builder
SHUT UP. BEES CAN’T SPELL.
I’m sorry if I always sound angry when I speak, but I’m a parent and I suffer from a condition called Resting Batman Voice.
if my phone is so smart it should be able to tell i’m not trying to screenshot my alarm
“Have you tried just letting go?” Me as a therapist
“Whatever you do, don’t let go!” Me as a part-time mountain climbing instructor
Was a bad day at the office the time I mixed those two up…
It’s gonna be so fun when we all start seeing each other at AA meetings after all of this.
waiter: i’m sorry sir, but your card has been declined
me: run it again
waiter: i ran it three times
me: *to my date* omg this is so embarrassing. do you mind taking care of it?
her: no problem! *grabs waiter by the collar and pulls him close* he said run it again
*sets up 10 security questions for online account*
*clicks on “remember me”*
me: instead of a baby I think I’ll get a dog
midwife: no, you won’t
One day my GPS is gonna say, “You should know this one by now” and shut off.
#Caturday
I can’t get enough of these Labor Day Sales, you guys! I bought 25 mattresses!
*hears your text message notification beep*
*constantly imitates it so you check your phone for no reason*
Mermaid: I lay the eggs
Merman: and I fertilize them
Meredith: I’m Edith, I like to watch
“What do you mean “He used his mind?”
“I mean he never touched the gates. He destroyed them with his mind!”
“Oh my god…we’ve got a mad telekinetic duck on our hands. Get me the president!”
[man walks into a bar]
Horse bartender: Why the short face? SEE? SEE? IT’S NOT COOL!
If courage is buying an entire tub of ice cream and immediately throwing out the lid, then yes I am definitely brave.
I let a Pasta Chef borrow my car and he returned it all denty
doctor: what seems to be the problem
me: it seems like u should be telling me
What I did to that ice cream is illegal is some states.
Parties are like jury duty for introverts. You know it’s the right thing to show up, but you really hope there’s a murder so it’s worth it.
[first day as a waiter]
me: may I recommend the steak?
customer: yes ok
me: thanks. I recommend the steak