[commercial]
WOMAN: have u ever wondered what would happen if a car alarm could swim?
NARRATOR: geese
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i love when they put tiny pieces of plastic grass in my grocery store sushi to simulate its natural habitat before i eat it
I think High School birth control classes should just be forcing the students to watch videos of me taking my 3 kids to the grocery store
My cousin got hit by a car while jogging this morning. Drunk driver plowed right through the front of his Planet Fitness
Well tonight’s date night for me and the wife
I certainly hope we don’t run into each other
WIFE: He keeps pretending he’s a pilot.
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *intercom noises* Prepare for the turbulence coming from Karen’s lies.
Me: I have a lot of work to do.
Windows Updates: you’re gonna have to wait
Of course my kids are well mannered because when I tell them things like get ready for bed, they politely ask me “Did mommy say that?”
me: does anyone here play baseball
england: *crickets*
In space, no one can hear you scream.
In cyberspace, no one can shut you up.
Hello my name is Morgan and I used to think lingerie was just a fancy way to say laundry
Apparently telling the cop during my sobriety test, it’s not how many times you fall, but how many times you get up was not the best answer.
Boss: I need that report by noon
Me: Consider it done[2pm]
Boss: Where’s that report?
Me: Huh? I thought we’d agreed to consider it done?
Sometimes I wish camouflage were more effective so I wouldn’t have to see the people who wear it.
I hate it when people don’t know the difference between “You’re” and “Your”
There stupid…
BUILDING INSPECTOR: This building is not structurally sound
ARCHITECT: why
BUILDING INSPECTOR: Well first of all it’s made of paper
ARCHITECT: Yeah construction paper!
I got sent out of class today at school. The teacher yelled at me, “What would your parents say if I called them?’ I replied, “Hello?”
I asked my driving instructor if I passed my driving test, he told me “no” as we swam ashore.
[on a plane]
Stewardess: “Would you like a mint? It’ll help your ears during takeoff”
Me: “Sure, can I have two?”
*puts one in each ear*
If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you’re packing for an important mission, you should definitely pull your knife out of its sheath and then put it back in to make sure it’s still there.
*pulls all the hair out of my brush and places it all over my dog*
me: I thought you would like it
grandpa: why would you think that
hospice clown: I should go
Who decided to call them “wedding vows” instead of “veiled threats”?
ME: what’s for dinner
KIDNAPPER: omg we let you go four hours ago
Kids won’t remember they have homework but they’ll remember you promised them Robux if they did their chores for the whole month
Not muting your mic is the new reply all
One time John Waters spilled water on me and my mom said “thank god his name isn’t John Barbecue Sauce!”
[At a psychic fair]
Psychic: Ask whatever you want to know. Success? Work? Love? Money?
Me: Can you tell me where my car keys are?
I think we should send notes to our bosses like when we were in school seeing if your crush liked you but it’s “will you give me the raise I deserve check yes or no”
CONTRACTOR: *shows up to my house with a paintball gun*
ME: You’re gonna paint my den with that?!
CONTRACTOR: *chewing cigar* You want it done right or done fast?
ME: *Considers* … come in.
cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food to them