Avoid getting invited to family reunions by asking your relatives for money.
Commissioner Gordon: It says here that bats sleep upside down and wee over themselves.
Batman: We also poop.
B: They. I mean they
You Might Also Like
JUDAS: any weekend plans?
JESUS: either exploring a cave or sleeping in, haven’t decided
JUDAS: maybe you’ll do both
PHYSICAL THERAPIST: I want you to work out with a resistance band
[later at gym]
ME: *works out to Rage Against the Machine*
I asked my son to look through the playroom for things to donate to goodwill, and he was so generous about it, within minutes, he came back with a whole bag filled with his sister’s toys.
ME, TO MY BEER: Let’s get to the bottom of this.
Sorry I ate your baby but you shouldn’t have wrapped it like a burrito.
*doorbell rings, I open door*
Alien: Hi! Do you have a moment so I can teach you highly advanced life skills that will save your species?
Me: Yes! My vacuum is making a funny noise. Could you look at it?
Alien calls back to mothership: Can’t I just vaporize her?
Got really excited when my wife said she was going to teach me something new in the bedroom until she started folding a fitted sheet.
My client’s (soon to be ex) wife just flipped me off in the courthouse parking lot, so yeah, I’m obviously doing my job right.
Me *points gun at clerk*: stick ’em up!! Put Algebra 25 and *looks at college syllabus* Psychology 15 in the backpack!