@stephenjmolloy

Commissioner Gordon: It says here that bats sleep upside down and wee over themselves.

Batman: We also poop.

CG: We?

B: They. I mean they

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@ArfMeasures

Receptionist: The doctor will see you now

Me *shuffles further behind cabinet* better?

Receptionist: Yes but shh he’s coming

@MouVanLee

Reasons why i never let my girlfriend touch my iPhone. 1) I don’t have iPhone. 2) I don’t have a girlfriend.

@Tmoney68

[Bar]

Friend: I’m just lucky, I guess. Nothing ever embarrasses me.

Drunk Me: Challenge accepted.

@gylertagan

[Property Brothers]
Turns out all the electrical wires in this house are Twizzlers so we’re looking at another $3000 added to the budget

@imasmartass37

A cyclist told me to share the road, so I threw a piece of asphalt at him.

@daemonic3

JUMPER ON BRIDGE: Stay back, I just want to end it all

GOOD COP: Please, you don’t have to do this

CAT COP: *slowly pushes him off bridge*

@HomeWithPeanut

[Starts to open package of cheese]

[Hears kids running towards kitchen]

[Escapes with cheese to car]

[Drives 5 hours to hotel]

[Checks into room]

[Starts to open package of cheese]

My dog: HEEEY CHEEESE!!!

@Diamond_Jax

(I am 6 months pregnant)

Me after ordering my coffee:

Stranger at Starbucks: you know you should be drinking decaf when you’re pregnant.

Me: I’m… not pregnant.

Stranger: (horrified) I am so, so sorry!

And that’s what you get for giving unsolicited advice.

@Ctrapmrspash

“To the window, to the wall” – me directing the carpet layers

@bartandsoul

My daughter was worried that I would embarrass her on this college tour but that was before I showed everyone how well I could twerk