@stephenjmolloy

Commissioner Gordon: It says here that bats sleep upside down and wee over themselves.

Batman: We also poop.

CG: We?

B: They. I mean they

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@Annekinns

Avoid getting invited to family reunions by asking your relatives for money.

@daemonic3

JUDAS: any weekend plans?

JESUS: either exploring a cave or sleeping in, haven’t decided

JUDAS: maybe you’ll do both

JESUS: what?

JUDAS: what?

@daemonic3

PHYSICAL THERAPIST: I want you to work out with a resistance band

ME: Ok

[later at gym]

ME: *works out to Rage Against the Machine*

@LurkAtHomeMom

I asked my son to look through the playroom for things to donate to goodwill, and he was so generous about it, within minutes, he came back with a whole bag filled with his sister’s toys.

@KizerBillhelm

Sorry I ate your baby but you shouldn’t have wrapped it like a burrito.

@girl_a_whirl

*doorbell rings, I open door*

Alien: Hi! Do you have a moment so I can teach you highly advanced life skills that will save your species?

Me: Yes! My vacuum is making a funny noise. Could you look at it?

Alien calls back to mothership: Can’t I just vaporize her?

@Brianhopecomedy

Got really excited when my wife said she was going to teach me something new in the bedroom until she started folding a fitted sheet.

@Parkerlawyer

My client’s (soon to be ex) wife just flipped me off in the courthouse parking lot, so yeah, I’m obviously doing my job right.

@ThisOneSayz

Me *points gun at clerk*: stick ’em up!! Put Algebra 25 and *looks at college syllabus* Psychology 15 in the backpack!