@PaperWash

Commissioner: we’ll need to stay in touch
Batman: ok
Commissioner: this stealth communication device will-
Batman: LETS USE A GIANT SKY LAMP

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@TheUnderfold

Your other foot. Nope. Still the other foot. You have two feet this isn’t hard. THE. OTHER. FOOT. OMG

-me watching a toddler put shoes on

@jazmasta

BREAKING: Olympic athlete stripped of medal after urine sample shows traces of rubber, which is a band substance

@jwblvd

*gets laser eye surgery*

“Thanks doc, so how do I activate them?”

I told you, that’s not what—

*i squint at him real hard but he’s right*

@ThisOneSayz

Our cruise ship’s movie theater is showing Titanic. That’s a foreshadow, right?

@lmegordon

My godmother just saw my tweet about sending naked pictures, and she was so excited she posted it to Facebook and tagged my parents. What a time to be alive.

@g0_f1sh

A colleague has just been fired from work and someone else put their hand up and asked how it would affect the Secret Santa

@arcadeseals

[watching the lion king]

me: i’ve never seen this before

wife: oh dear, better get the tissues ready

me: i’m hardly going to jack off to a bunch of lions karen

@girlnarly

me: my mom’s here to visit
him: oh. did you meet her at the bus station?
me: no i’ve pretty much known her my whole life

@sweetg35

If you’re not suppose to eat late at night, then why is there a light in the refrigerator?!