Communists only write in lowercase letters because they hate Capitalism.
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[Drives date home]
ME [stops and revs engine sexily] I had a great time tonightDATE: [climbs off my lawnmower] I did not
ugh not again
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
Wife: Don’t use that Band-Aid. It’s expired.
Me: How can a Band-Aid possibly go bad?
*puts on Band-Aid*
*bursts into flames*
April Fool’s Day pregnancy jokes stopped being fun when my parents started getting excited instead of scared.
My kid can’t eat his pasta because *checks notes* the bowl is too thick
You all think your dad’s cargo shorts are lame until you need to smuggle some Reese’s Pieces into the movie theater.
Hell hath no fury like a child who found you threw away bubble wrap
Me at work: I miss my little angels-my favorite little ppl on this planet
Me after an hour of being home: these kids are the spawn of satan
me looking at the supermarket camera after eating a grape
me: [holding my cat like a baby] the apocalypse is here
cat: [scratches me]
me: no. we must remain calm
Parenting Tip:
Place fake present under tree with unruly child’s name on it and when he misbehaves toss it into the burning fireplace
the thing about the weather getting colder is that it makes you think you want to date someone when what you want is heavy socks
[hamster construction site]
“Colin, you seen Dave?”
I left him manning the concrete mixer
“Oh no”
[cut to Dave having the time of his life]
One of the things that always makes me laugh about this place is how any time I say “I’m trying to use self-control” people always respond back with “No! Do it! Do iiiiiitttt!” *laughing hard*
[at the cheesecake factory]
me: I will have the cheesecake
waiter: okay
Whenever I babysit I wear a wig. When the parents leave I cut off 90% of my hair. I tell the kids if they don’t behave, they’re next.
*falls down a well*
*Lassie runs to the edge and peers down*
*me, yelling* TELL NO ONE, YOU BLABBERMOUTH DOG, I LIVE HERE NOW
OMG, shoot him with a crossbow one time and he never shuts up about it.
It wasn’t even fatal.
Me: I miss you.
My hairdresser: Did you do something to your hair? Please don’t. For the love of god, everything is hard enough without that. Don’t touch it.
Me: No, I just miss —
My hairdresser: Don’t touch it.
HOLD YOUR HORSES. TELL YOUR HORSES YOU LOVE THEM. DONT BE TOO STRICT WITH YOUR HORSES OR THEY’LL DATE OLDER HORSES GET TATTOOS & HAVE PONIES
Husband: I love everything about you.
Me: Even my toe hair?
H: What toe hair?
Me: *tears up* That’s the most romantic thing you’ve ever said to me.
My sister got a job as the assistant to an incompetent magician and now she’s my half sister
Very problematic
Doctor: you’ll be fine if you don’t touch your face
T-rex: hell yeah
Teacher: *carrying basket full of massive fruit* good morning, class. Today we will be working in pears
me: “why tf does my back hurt??”
also me:
[HONK HONK]
…one more honk and I’m gonna…
[HONK]
*gets out of my car*
*walks to the car behind me*
*feeds the driver’s goose some bread*
2-year-old: *hysterically upset because he realized his favorite hoodie has a hood*
5-year-old, to me: Okay, what if we just throw him out?
My five year old keeps asking about our plans “over the holidays.” By “the holidays” she’s referring to her birthday next month.