@markleggett

Companies want “rockstar” employees, as rockstars are known for punctuality, even-tempers, and a desire to work in a corporate environment.

You Might Also Like

@Dani_Feld

Dr: Are you sexually active?

Me: *cries*

Dr: Um, are you sexually-

Me: *cries harder*

Dr: …..Ok. Do you drink?

Me: YES I BLOODY DRINK

@radscientist_

I just walked into my room holding the remote and a glass of chocolate milk and I meant to toss the remote into my bed but instead I tossed the glass of chocolate milk onto my bed

@famouscrab

yeah i got a gym membership. its called life. watch me lift this big ass rock. now im gonna do 20 reps of pretending im a beautiful bird

@LilNasX

i am no longer dating humans i will simply just date the raccoon that climbs on my roof at night 🤍

@WilliamRodgers

YOU THINK CONDOMS ARE STUPID???

My 2yr old just cried for 45 minutes because the TV in our car isn’t as big as the TV in our house…

@causticbob

I have started a band called Free Beer.
When people see our sign ‘Free Beer Tomorrow at 9PM’ I’m sure everyone is going to be there.

@junejuly12

20s: he is smart, funny, and hot, he’s my soulmate.

30s: he loves kids and dogs, he’s my soulmate.

40s: we have the same third favourite colour, he’s my soulmate.

@TheCatWhisprer

Just got my Facebook account suspended for reading a full article before I shared it.

@ErrenMichaels

You threw. Our tea. In the harbour. And then you changed the spelling of harbour. We do not. Forget.

@Mom_Overboard

Me: I’m terrified of aging rock bands

Therapist: You too?

Me: [screams]