Catwoman pushing Batman off a ledge
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I want my hearse to have ‘JUST DIED’ written on the windshield with cans tied to the rear bumper.
Me: The whole “terrible two’s” thing is a myth.
Friend: That’s good to know.
Me: It’s actually much worse than that.
This woman in a commercial says “I just tried a new laxative that’s both gentle and fast” then gets in her car and drives off and I’m questioning whether she really thought this through
Yesterday I fell, landed on my back, and could not roll over and get up. At the time I was wearing a Turtleneck Sweater.
I’m sick of following my dreams. I’m just going to ask them where they’re going and hook up with them later.
Extremely relatable.
Essential oils are what drips out of tacos.
Ensure longevity of life and prevent starvation by eating insects.
Thick flies save lives.
Sure, my bologna has a first name, but he’s a stickler for manners so he insists we still call him Mr. Bologna.
You never feel shorter than when you’re standing on a step stool with half your body in the washing machine and you’re using the tongs you used to make lamb loin chops to grab your socks from the bottom of the washer.
Don’t listen to your heart. It’s just a pump receiving commands from the brain. Don’t listen to your brain, either. If it had any good ideas, you wouldn’t be here now.
What kind of rifle do comedians use?
JK47’s.
Shoot me.
Allen: I’ll never talk
Me: *selecting an allen key from my torture tools* we’ll see about that
Dog owners: this is my precious angel boy who I payed $3,000 for last November and I finally got to take him today he’s my everything and all
Cat owners: this is my trash gremlin she was stuck in the gutter across the street and I lured her out with shrimp on a string
Friend looking at my legs: did you get a spray tan?
Me: oh, no. I just wiped my greasy hands off on my legs after eating a whole bag of chips.
you could post a photo of a celebrity like “she looked so cool in the 90s” and some freak will quote tweet it like “Yeah, she looked so cool in the outfit she wore to go run over 15 people with her car on June 4th, 1993.” and it’s like i’m sorry why would i know about that
children are a fun way to combine the impetuous insanity of a dog with the murderous disdain of a cat
god: *inventing horse* this is pretty fast
angel: and so wild
god: only a lunatic would ride one
angel: are you—
god: —ima make a lunatic
Change is always hard….
Especially when a jar of it falls on your head.
Autocorrect changed car battery to car buttery and it slipped out of my fingers and caused an accident on I-25.
For introverts, the worse kind of head-on collision is running directly into the person we’re avoiding at the grocery store
I’m not saying four kids is too many, I’m just saying it would be kind of cool if I could melt them all down to form one kid, that’s all.
guy in a zombie apocalypse who just keeps saying “the zombies are more afraid of us than we are of them” and stands up tall and waves his arms around and yells at them and he turns out to be 100% right
doctors don’t really need to hit you with that rubber hammer it’s just how they release a lil tension through the day
I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbor said ‘Are you going to help?’ I said ‘No, six should be enough.’
dracula: [busts into my room] ima suck that blood!
me: oh yeah? [does 10 quick shots of delicious Stoli Vodka] how bout now?
dracula: aw what the fudge dude i gotta drive home
me: [vomits on my duvet] checker mate bro lol
date: so what do you do?
me: *doing a huge amount of karate* adderall
WIFE: *motions to me that she’s choking*
ME: *immediately dials 911*
911: what the emergency
ME: *handing her the phone* here u talk to them
[on Ferris wheel]
ME: This is going great.
MY DATE: This is so weird.
UBER DRIVER: Let’s get cotton candy next.
“If you gaze long into a bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.” – Philosophical soup kitchen chef