Best seat on the street 😍
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Text my grandma if she wants to go to the grocery with me she replied 🔥
like is that hell yeah or does she want to burn it down
Me: I made this belt out of herbs
Her: why?
Me: oh, just waisting some thyme
me: I have a phobia of very large numbers
therapist: I can help u
me: thanks a twelve
her: i only eat like once a day it’s called intermittent fasting
me: oh what do you do the rest of the day?
her: adderall
HIM: *touching a scar on her hand* What’s this one?
HER: *giggling* I burnt myself getting pizza rolls out of the oven
HIM: *touching a scar on her arm* And this one?
HER: pizza rolls
HIM: What about—
HER: I dunno what to tell you, bud. They’re all gonna be pizza rolls.
If you’re only18, please don’t tweet philosophy and proverb verbiage based on your first love and the difficulty of your inexperienced life.
I’m sorry I slapped you but you didn’t seem like you would ever stop talking and I panicked.
“don’t worry about a thing”
“why”
“’cause every little thing gonna be all right”
“what about all the big things”
“ooh forgot about big things”
*drinks beer from my glass slipper*
Housetraining our dog which is why my participation in this morning’s Zoom meeting ended with, “Well, right now I’m working on upgrading myNOOOOOO NOO NO OUTSIDE OUTSIDE”
A chip tracker but it’s just me following the potato chip crumbs dropped by my toddler
Just wait. All of the Presidents will be on sale tomorrow
I wish they’d just come up with a smoke detector that stops beeping when I yell “alright!”.
[trying to stick a dollar in a vending machine]
vending machine: i have a boyfriend
Me: I’m exhausted.
My mom: You look exhausted.
Me: How DARE you.
Me: I’m not interested in this tweet
Twitter: Idgaf
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PhewThe Chosen Phew
“It’s Your Birthday” Mateo Said. I Didn’t Respond. “Are You Not Excited To Be 15” He Asked. Reading My Book I Uttered “I Turned 15 Long Ago”
and to my great grandchildren i leave 42,567 screenshots
My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
Personality test: do you tend to keep to yourself
Me: Yes
Personality test: you are an introvert
Me: Holy shit
[in bed]
Me: got a costume from the Princess Leia slave scene
Him: omg yes
Me: *disappears to change*
*comes back dressed as Jabba the Hutt*
When it comes to sex, I really need to have a connection.
Otherwise the page just keeps buffering and it takes FOREVER to load.
99% Indians work on the Principle of Rockets.
It doesn’t mean we aim for the sky.
It means, we don’t start work unless our tail is on fire
I just found out my husband doesn’t pronounce the j in pendulum
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Clark Kent: kryptonite
Interviewer: right, what’s your kryptonite?
Clark Kent: ohhhh I see what you mean. Chips and salsa
no one ever talks about the cheerful reaper.
Dear media: There’s nothing shocking about celebrities going topless, getting drunk, or falling over.
Let me know when they read a book.
friend: what r u up to
me: eating 3 pounds of pasta
friend: what r u training for
me: eating 5
when wolves raise a human child no one cares, but when i raise a wolf as my child and send it to elementary school everyone freaks out