COMPANY: HIRING URGENTLY NO EXPERIENCE NEEDED APPLY NOW.
ME: *sends resume*
COMPANY: *no response*
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first wiseman: i brought you gold
second wiseman: i brought you frankincense
third wiseman: i brought you myrrh
fourth wiseman: i made you these jorts myself
mary: [to the guy writing the bible] don’t write that last one down
me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?
Jesus steals the winter solstice
my psychiatrist told me i seem like i do improv and i literally don’t even know how to take that
Turns out it only takes three lies to get Pinocchio to slingshot his mask across the room
detective: can you describe the crime scene?
me: which one i seen lots of crimes.
My daughter wants to be something scary for Halloween this year so she’s going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
that de-escalated quickly
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
-dog watching me fail to solve a rubiks cube
[At my seance]
Friend 1: *pulling away from ouija
Shit…That’s definitely himFriend 2: How can you tell?
F1: He spelled “your” wrong.
*walks up to salad bar and fills entire plate with bacon bits and chocolate pudding*
My grandparents just gave me a mint condition GameCube as a surprise because they know I love video games. They think it’s new 😂🥺
If these walls could talk they would definitely say wow this guy really does add cheese to everything after all
I’m at my most Liam Neeson when my food is missing from the employee fridge.
Unreliable eye witness testimony is the reason chameleons are nature’s most elusive and successful serial killers.
I can really relate to eminem in “8 mile” because my moms spaghetti is really bad too
I wish I could veto my bills.
Careful…I’ve already had our entire fight in my head and it doesn’t end well for you.
My optometrist: Well, it’s normal as you age for…
I don’t know what he said after that.😑
Doctor’s office: All our records are electronic now just fill out these 12 forms.
“Your keys are over THERE.”
– Wow. You have eagle eyes!
“Yup. My vision is 20/20.”
– No. I mean they’re small, beady & kinda close together.
Age 15: kids are stupid
Age 25: kids are stupid
Age 35: I love my kids but kids are stupid
Cthulhu is just the sound I make when I’m trying to reply to the dentist.
Wife: how’s potty training been today?
Me: he peed twice!
Wife: that’s great!
Me: *covered in piss* no, it’s not.
When you show someone a photo on your phone and they start scrolling through your photos, it’s legal to slap their nosy face.
We chose to adopt a highway.
[clutches my wife’s hand]
We couldn’t make a highway of our own, you see.
ME AS SATAN: *holding a pitchspork*
Assuring my wife that we are just meaningless organisms in a bleak, indifferent world doesn’t seem to be helping her get over her bad haircut.
You know what celebrity they should get for Dancing With the Stars? That plastic bag from American Beauty.
These Brit awards outfits are getting stupid now.