Company loyalty can often be explained by Stockholm syndrome.
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My Star Wars lingerie is still in the wash so for tonight’s role-play I’m probably just going to wear a matching undies & bra and rename them Star-Drawers and Bra Bra Jinks
Make your enemies super uncomfortable by showing up to the rumble with an elderly friend
restaurants: hey kid. wanna color in some trees? a castle? some animals? grassy hills? here’s a blue and a red crayon.
“See, you’ve clearly never had good mashed potatoes. You’ve got to add butter, salt, garlic, $300 of bitcoin, gravy, a crab leg dipped in butter sauce, chives, tickets to a Rams game, and a light sprinkling of parmesan and then you’ll understand how amazing they are.”
Don’t feel special. I flirt with old people and family members too.
“Get a puppy,” they said.
“It will be fun,” they said.I got 4 hours of sleep.
I swear we are fighting two pandemics
Covid 19 and Stupidity
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
Saw a homeless guy this mornin’ he said, “Any change?” Me, “Nope, you’re still cold and homeless.” We laughed & laughed & he stabbed me.
Dude yelled “Fight me like a man” at me, so I held him down and marginalized him for a thousand years.
*puts spider in the ocean*
“Now go free and flourish into an octopus.”
*cuts girl in half & puts in ocean*
“Mermaid probably.”
I scare off men like I’m some kind of evil clown hiding in their closet.
“I’m not a clown!” I shouted as I sniffed his sweater vest.
Saw an Amazon truck drop a kid off at school this morning. Didn’t know that was an option.
Boss: OMFG man what happened to ur eye?
[cut to me riding a horse into the garage door during medieval role play]
“I ran into a door”
Me: *writhing sexily* So, you hot and bothered yet?
Wife: I’m definitely bothered
“At your cervix, m’lady”
– me as an OBGYN and also just me
It’s entirely possible the recipe didn’t say burn it on the outside, undercook it on the inside and aim for a large dip in the middle but here we are
You’re like a first job.
No one likes you but at least you’re a learning experience.
“Make yourself at home.” they say, then it’s “Ma’am please put your bra back on.”
Make up your mind, library story time, make up your mind!
Boy in the pub was telling me his job is a penguin erector so every time a plane flys over Edinburgh zoo the penguins can’t take their eyes off it and end up falling over n he just goes round picking them back up, 38 penguins 2000 flights a day
me: so where do you go to school
new babysitter: It’s private
me: oh *whispering* I won’t tell anyone
[waiting for date to get ready]
“im almost done”
no rush I’ll just play with the cat
“I don’t have a cat”
[opening a cat carrier] oh I know
Hungover parenting is like being in an Alien movie. You’re scared because there are fast moving creatures all around you, and you really don’t want them to jump on you.
Your fiancé gets kidnapped in a foreign country. You stay out till 2 am searching w authorities but eventually you have to call it and return to your hotel. Do you still do your skincare routine y/n
Ginny Weasley: so like what are we?
Harry Potter: [slowly reaches for invisibility cloak]
Me growing up in the countryside with a car: “it’s literally insane that I have to drive 20 minutes to see a friend. I can’t wait to move to a city”
Me in a city: “okay, 78 minutes on three trains to see someone who lives 6 miles away, that seems fine”
[intensive care]
NURSE: I’ll never leave your side, DO YOU HEAR ME?!
ME [patient]: wow, I didn’t realize how intense the care was here.
I love wikipedia
Les Miserables was pretty good but I wish I’d had some kind of warning that everyone in it would be so unhappy.