Comparing yourself to others
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co-worker: ok who put seafood in the microwave
me: oh sorry does my lobster smell
co-worker: no he’s pinching people
Caught my son chewing on electrical wires.
So, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly.
Helping my daughter study for her geology exam, and apparently ‘hard’ ‘classic’ and ‘punk’ AREN’T the 3 different types of rock.
Who knew.
wife: we are doing christmas with my family this year
remembering how me and my uncle got in a fist fight over whether the grinch is british: that’s fair
I’d love to meet up with you but my squirrel says it’s a bad idea and I always listen to her
“Nice” – first kangaroo to realise it had a pocket
[mocking jay part 2]
jay: come on guys please stop
JESUS: And lo, I have fed 5000 of you with 5 fishes and 2 loaves
“AMAZING!”
“A MIRACLE!”
ME: *slowly raises hand* So do we get dessert or
There should be an Uber for somebody to come over and wrap all your presents.
Me: Dammit I’m not gonna let you die on my watch
Her: *chokes* It’s too late
Me: *leans in close* Get off my watch. It’s a Rolex.
My kid got so bored he asked to do chores, so if you need me, I’ll be over here on my fainting couch
just had a really bad argument with some guy I invented in my head
Apparently I was involved in a class action lawsuit against AT&T. Anyway, I just got a check for $1.33 if anyone wants to party.
College guy: [massaging head] Oh man I got so trashed last night.
Raccoon: [massaging stomach with his little raccoon paws] Me too man.
I’m voting for Bernie Sanders based all on the fact that His fried chicken rules
[at therapist]
I don’t know, sometimes I just feel invisible
Therapist: WHO SAID THAT?!?
A lady just told me that the theatrical release of “Cats!” is what caused the pandemic, and I want to argue, but I can’t.
I came home to find my boyfriend mopping the floor and my first thought was, “who’d he kill?”
Just a reminder that you’re not allowed to hit your coworkers. Even if they’re stupid.
I asked.
Twice.
“Because I got high” is actually a song about pilots, who go to high altitudes in their planes every day, and have good reason for not doing all those things in the song.
Somewhere in my brain is a tiny gland that blinds me to unwashed dishes.
IF YOU THINK IM GONNA SMILE BECAUSE IT REQUIRES FEWER MUSCLES YOUVE GOT ANOTHER THING COMING. NO OFF DAYS, WELCOME TO FROWN TOWN, BABY
Fact: If you ever blow me a kiss, I’m catching it and sticking it down my pants.
My boss got bit by a snake so I bandaged his wound so tight just to make sure the venom won’t drain out.
Finally got the kids to rub my back by pretending it was ticklish
*Squatting over cat litter box*
Husband: What the fu-
Me: THERE’S A SPIDER IN THE BATHROOM
My whole life I would put old bananas in the trash but when I got married I learned that first they go in the freezer to sit for a long time and then they go in the trash.
Boss: You’re late.
Me: Only in this time zone.
Apparently it doesn’t matter that in China I’d be 12 hours early.
Hello Darkness my old friend.
Darkness (under his breath): Oh God, it’s him again.