“Compassionate capitalism” is when they use phrases like “I see you, I hear you, I feel you” before they begin the wage theft
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I’m starting to regret my “2015 FOREVER” tattoo.
peppa pig implies the existence of salt pig
My husband and I committed to never yelling at our kids. Then we had kids.
A dashcam video of a cop lip-syncing and dancing to a Taylor Swift song went viral, which is just one more reason to hate the police.
i’m so bad at identifying internet scams. i’ll get an email that will literally say something like “click this link to send us your social security number and bank info and we’ll steal all your money” and i’ll be like “what could they mean by that?”
I had a teacher in high school who always assumed we’d give the wrong answer.
“What’s hotter, green or red peppers?”
Green
“Nope. Green.”
what ages does the sticky crusty food particles all over the fridge door handles stop? because it’s not 13, 9 and 7.
My wife loves the sexy bulge in my sweatpants.
Until I realized she was referring to my wallet.
I think the hot dog eating competition should award me extra points for not blinking during the event.
Forgot my wallet at home & filled up at the gas station so I have to leave some collateral. Not leaving my phone there so 4 year old it is.
New relationship be like, “what you doing?” ….”just drinking water”…”ok darling plz be careful”
The inventor of the Venn diagram has died. He touched many lives. Some more than others.
Are you actually cleaning the house if you haven’t shouted at everyone in it?
People only want to do drugs named after women: Mary Jane, Molly, Lucy (in the Sky with Diamonds). No one wants to snort some Craig.
Reminder: Before taking your first bite into a fast food sandwich you need to redistribute the pickles.
My dad is on Instagram now and my plan is to comment on all of his photos with horny reply guy shit like “So f****** beautiful” and “I’d let you do that to me anytime” until he deletes it.
You’d think people would be more understanding it’s my first day as a tattoo artist.
Wait a minute…
I offered my nephew a donut and he said “no thanks, I’m not hungry rn” and I don’t think this little shit knows how donuts work.
I know we have a lot of problems but never forget that about 100 years ago we suddenly made most horses unemployed and someday soon they will have their revenge.
A toddler will look you dead in the eye and ask you if it’s Christmas soon when Christmas was yesterday
I love when people spend 7 minutes trying to back into a parking space just so they can leave “quicker”
[blind date]
HER: I just want to honestly know what’s in a guy’s heart
ME {trying to impress her}: blood
Her: I never take my eyes off my son. I hate how parents are so inattentive these days.
Me: [lifting 6 out of lion cage] mm hmm me too
At cardio class tonight, a 22yo size 0 told me “you run fast for someone your age” so now I have a body to bury if anyone wants to help me.
I got kicked out of another Super Bowl party for changing the channel to Forensic Files
me: no thanks I’m a vegan
person handing me a baby: what
If you get into a fight with a polar bear, boost your chances of success by requesting a postponement until 2065. There’s a good chance polar bears will be extinct by then so you’ll win by default for just turning up
My favorite part of a date is the sweet, seedy flesh. Wait, sorry, that’s my favorite part of a fig, I always get figs and dates mixed up.