*sits gf down*
i am about to ask you a big question. if you dont know the answer then thats ok… *clears throat* where is the space jam dvd
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Me: I just want to be able to afford to eat sometimes
Wife: What about me and the kids?
Me: I’M NOT A CANNIBAL YOU IDIOT
i will avenge u mr van gogh
The biggest takeaway from listening to hundreds of podcasts is if you’re rich enough, you can get away with murder.
If a British person calls 911 and says, “It’s a bloody mess” how does the operator know if there’s blood or the person is just being British
Me- Can I borrow a screwdriver? Neighbor- Phillips or regular? Me- Grey Goose and Tropicana
“racially charged” makes it sound like y’all out here buying triple K batteries
Wearing the same outfit two days in a row ’cause I’m practicing to be a cartoon
(Creating the platypus)
God: Make that beaver think a duck is sexy and then they, *hip thrusts*
Angel: What?
God: You know *hip thrusts*
Me: You’re going to prison?
My French accountant: Oui
Me: WE are going to prison?
(Auditioning to be a bird)
*accidentally walks into a sliding glass door*
DIRECTOR: Wow, she’s really good.
him: hi, I’m Tom
me: nice to meet you uhh…
my brain: cmon he literally just said his name 3 seconds ago
me: m…mom
I do things for others…
Like when I’m drunk dancing by myself, Billy Idol style, and I save my friends from being seen with me.
Aw yeah! Who has two thumbs and is having sex today? That’s right. Somebody else.
Therapist: what’s upsetting you?
Wife: he’s always using common phrases incorrectly
Me: cry me a table, Linda
[Seeing your baby for the first time]
Don’t say she has a big head.
Don’t say she has a big head.Me: At least you don’t have to worry about her head getting caught between the crib slats.
The advantage of being an adult is that I can totally do whatever I want. Unless it interferes with my kids’ school or swim practice or homework or when they fight or when they’re hungry or tired.
i am genuinely afraid for the people who post on the shitty food reddit
I asked my driving instructor if I passed my driving test, he told me “no” as we swam ashore.
Why are there no owls here? I WAS LEAD TO BELIEVE THERE WOULD BE OWLS HERE!
#hooters
“I just read last year 4,153,237 people got married. I don’t want to start any trouble, but shouldn’t that be an even number?”
Where my American History knowledge comes from:
25% school
25% internet
50% Forrest Gump
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead
If you hold a baby up to a light and don’t see the security strip it’s a fake baby
My neighbors with the fireworks would apparently like to wish everyone a happy July 7th.
My dogs: OMG MOM IS DOING STUFF!! WOOOO!! GET HER!!
Me: (just getting off the couch to go to the bathroom)
Back in my day a “selfie,” was something you did with the door locked and a bottle of lotion.
*puts on workout clothes*
*opens a jumbo size bag of Doritos*
Zoom is really only for one thing: realizing our dream of staring at ourselves while talking to other people.
Me: WHY AREN’T YOU CLEANING YOUR ROOM LIKE I ASKED?
My 6year old: You only asked once
“There are hot Shingles in your area”
– My Doctor