I’m throwing myself a circumcision party tomorrow, so anybody with a scalpel and a steady hand, stop on by. Jews welcome only with gift.
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guy skipping rocks: do you wanna try?
guy who lives in a glass house: ummm idk if i should
You’d be surprised how many times you can use the word succulent in a work email.
[interrogation]
“What do u do for a living?”
Jewel thief.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Cool beef. I bring hot beef down in temperature.
Having a child doesn’t make you a father. Sneezing as loud as you can after cutting the grass does.
if any of u nasty little cretins were even the least bit curious where i’m at right now i just tried to wipe a couple raindrops off my phone so they wouldn’t show up in a screenshot i was taking
The cat treats me like a king. Constantly planning to kill me so he can take my place in the chair.
Mother’s Day is like the Purge for moms. We can literally do whatever we want for 24 hours.
two loaves, one loaf
two elves, one elf
two leaves, one leaf
two hooves, one hoof
two gloves, one glofno more questions
My very high friend said “Imagine if cats got really big” and I said “Like tigers?” and he got very quiet.
genie: you have three wishes
me: nightvision goggles
genie: dope
me: the only pair on the planet
genie: many people will be affected
me: now kill the sun
genie: dude
taking a toddler to the beach timeline:
-pack the entire house: 1 hour
-find parking: 35 mins
-get sunscreen on a moving child: 15 mins
-set up all your stuff: 25 mins
-get a solid 15 mins of playtime in before some bullshit (child is fussy, bored, tired)
-pack up… 🤣
Me: I can’t get this damn sports bra on!
Him:
Me:
Him: that’s a plastic produce bag
Me: I FOUND IT IN THE MELON SECTION!
I just realized I’m back working retail during the holiday season which means I will inevitably make many people angry when I tell them “Happy holidays!”
please dont announce your new job. im on twitter trying to have a good time and to spread misinformation
my girlfriend has literally 40 browser tabs open on her $170 chromebook. some tabs are like a week old and it’s not even slowing down. it’s astounding. trying to imagine what 1998 me would think of that. he’d be amazed i have a girlfriend
With so many sequels, I’m beginning to think maybe the missions ARE possible after all…
If I hear someone crying I immediately cry louder to establish myself as the dominant sad person in the room
Having sex while really full is like running with a backpack on.
Can we not just call it Zealand now?
I taught my daughter to whistle a few days ago and now I’m teaching her that whistling can lead to adoption.
I’ve got 99 problems, which really bothers me since I’ve also got OCD and I prefer even numbers.
Yellowstone visitor upset bears didn’t show (Would like park service to train them):
Her)What that mouth do?
Me)Usually get me in trouble
My son can’t decide if he wants to be a Psychologist or a Proctologist so I told him to flip a coin: Heads or tails.
I just saved a ton of money by using my Pizza Hut points to order free pizza- earned from the ton of money I spent on previously ordered pizza.
Everyone’s all up in arms about how undemocratic the electoral college is and yet we let our weather be decided by A SINGLE UNELECTED GROUNDHOG??!!?!?
Warning:
This movie contains “Adult Themes” such as interest rates, bad knees, back pain, and excitement about going to bed early.
It’s no coincidence that Monday and Murder both start with M.
I finally convinced Grandpa to watch Avengers with me.
Grandpa: Who’s that guy?
Me: Captain America.
Grandpa: Then the blonde must be Captain Hammer.
Me: No, that’s Thor.
Grandpa: …Thor? What, like from the Bible?
Me: Um… Yes?
Grandpa: I don’t like church movies.