Complete list of all the words I know to “The Macarena”:
1- Hey
2- Macarena
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Does racism still exist? Let’s go to this panel of white people to find out.
please please tell me that benedict cumberbatch’s middle initial is Q
Adult me is pretty pissed that you can’t learn to dance perfectly in the span of an 80’s montage.
Dear student loan, thank you for saving my life. I can’t think how I can ever repay you.
dating a tall girl is cool until you make her mad at a picnic and she steps to the other side of the river
Always trust a glue salesman…
They tend to stick to their word.
“machines will soon be as smart as people” ok but WHICH people
Don’t get it. Heard the phrase “keep your friends clothes & keep your enemies clothes, sir”. Now I have a bunch of naked people angry at me.
It’s beginning to look a lot like *Christmas.
*the kids are doing what they’re told so I stop threatening to return their gifts.
co-worker: congratulations on getting engaged, do you have a date for the wedding?
me [an idiot]: yes my fiancee.
I’m a 4 in America, but in Germany I’m a solid nein.
I hate feeling like I’m racing against someone in a grocery store aisle. Like aren’t we grownups here? Anyway, I won.
I love the compliments my boss gives like “wow you’re on time today” and “great job ignoring dress code again”.
We only rate dogs. This is very clearly an Egyptian Shadow Giraffe. Please be more careful. Only send in dogs. Thank you… 13/10
The cashier at the grocery store was flirting with my husband, and I’m a little mad because she didn’t even give him a discount.
Direct deposit: $1400
Me at Dollar Tree: I’ll take 1400 trees
I know we are supposed to be worried about AI but I’ve been watching my Roomba throw itself off the stairs every single time I’ve ever used it I think we’re OK for a minute
*two turtles strapping themselves to a sleeping cheetah*
Just you wait, Carl! This is gonna be awesome!
The last apple tree in the world shrivels up and dies. In the distance a horde of doctors are ready.
WHAT DO WE WANT?
RACE CAR NOISES!!!
WHEN DO WE WANT THEM??
NEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW
“I drive like lightening.” “You drive fast?” “No. I hit trees.”
Husband: Let’s talk about it when we’re not tired and cranky.
Me: So, in like 18 years?
Reasons why i never let my girlfriend touch my iPhone. 1) I don’t have iPhone. 2) I don’t have a girlfriend.
I want an ecologically friendly burial (chuck me over my neighbor’s fence).
*shortly after the sinking of the Titanic*
Sebastian: Ariel, what is dis!?! You cannot have a dead human in your secret grotto!
Ariel: But I like him.
Sebastian: What would your father say!?!
My kid woke me up a 5:30 am because he was too hot. Never thought of myself as an extraordinary problem solver, but I told him to take his blanket off.
Me: Any Costco requests?
Husband, who is out of deodorant, toothpaste, and work snacks: Nope, I’m good.
ME: let me be frank
DAD: [eyes widen]
ME: and if you say hi Frank I’m dad, I’m gonna be real pissed
DAD: fair enough GonnaBeRealPissed
Me: *Swimming with dolphins*
Wife: How the hell did you get those in the tub?