*completely destroys wrapping paper by trying to swiftly glide the scissors to cut it*
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Finding out that my kids take the “freeze” “unfreeze” game seriously might be the greatest moment of my life
*wonders how long they’ll stay frozen for*
SHERLOCK: Is that mud on your shoe?
WATSON: No, shit Sherlock.
[pitching movie]
“It’s Titanic…”
Go on
“from the iceberg’s perspective”
holy shit
i took a british guy home and when i woke up all my artifacts were gone
❤️❤️❤️
When I was a child, 49 seemed like such an ancient, faraway age, where people would probably totter about aimlessly and confused, forgetting everything, with parts of their decrepit body falling off. Now I actually am 49, I realise I was absolutely spot on.
I am fairly well educated, but not ‘knows every nuance of the English language’ educated.
I also have no idea what ‘nuance’ means.
if I would’ve known that you were going to ask me what I was thinking I wouldn’t have been thinking what I was thinking.
Me: *singing* They say music is the food of love
Her: I’m not hungry
Never apologize in your voicemail for not answering the phone. You’re not sorry. Own that shit. “Hey, I don’t like you. Leave a message.”
At a restaurant I thought a family was praying at the table but then I realized they were all texting.
[dismissed from jury duty because I kept coughing loudly the words ‘bribe me’]
[spiders pour into room]
THEYRE EVERYWHERE
[group of tap dancers enter] ALRIGHT MEN THIS IS WHAT WEVE TRAINED FOR
My one egret is eating at the aviary. My food had a heron it.
I just found out that the only thing you need to apply for a marriage license is your ID and an idiot.
I blink one eye at a time because flying squirrels can attack at any moment.
the hardest part about boxing is not falling in love with your opponent when he hugs you
Girl, are you a glass of water because I think you’re about to throw yourself at me.
“It’s not about who’s right or wrong.”
~ The person that is wrong
You know you’re single when the only calls you get at night are Nature’s.
[Facepainting Booth]
Mum: Er…she wanted a butterfly…
Me: I only do toads
Mum: Well you should say that bef-
Me: *taps “TOADS ONLY” sign*
I hate when someone makes an Instagram for their pet and then spells all the words wrong.
Either your dog is smart enough to set up, build & maintain a successful social media presence or he isn’t.
If you expect me to believe a dog did all this I think he can also spell “hungry.”
One spelling mistake and my wife is all upset. All I wrote was: Having a great time, wish you were her.
Policeman: Name please?
Woman: Cheryl Cole
Policeman: Your FULL name
Woman: (quietly) Chernobyl Coleslaw
[on a date]
Her: I love music
Me: *casually pulls guitar from underneath the table* Oh wow, where did this come from?
My husband thought that it was funny to add his name to the bottom of my to-do list, but the joke’s on him because I’m only doing 1 chore a day in the order that I wrote them and he’s number 26.
Emojis are so weird. It’s like “I enjoyed your comment, here is a smiling disembodied head suffering from jaundice”.
Watermelon. The fruit that comes with a workout.
If a company’s hiring sign says, “Come grow with us,” you’re about to do the work of 3-5 people.
I told my son that I hoped he was enjoying the bagel he was eating because I had to go to 5 stores to find cream cheese and he said, “Don’t you mean that you went to five stores because you kept forgetting to pick it up?”
So I guess he likes the taste of dry bagels.