Complimented Taylor Swift on her shirt yesterday and now she’s in a tree outside my window with a guitar and a wedding dress. Send.Help.Now.

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[day after trying sushi for the first time]
ME: *putting frozen chicken nuggets on table*
WIFE: this isn’t cooke-
ME: it’s sushi, susan


Dear little baby Jesus,
If I got what I deserved, it’d be bad. But my daddy deserves the best. Please send him a handsome son-in-law.


[as the bride enters the church and heads down the aisle]


No YOU’RE the stalker.

(I write on your work bathroom mirror in blood)


Inventor of the toaster:

How about something that makes bread warm and crunchy, but also doubles as a murder weapon?


M: MOMMMM, where are the scissors? I just bought a new pair!

Edward Scissorhands: You mean these?

M: Yesss! Could you just stop stealing my scissors every time you break a nail?!


[first day as news anchor]
Me [tryin not to laugh readin report about a man gettin kicked by a horse]: hes said to be in a stable condition


Me: you want french toast for breakfast?

Toddler: yes.

Me: manners?

Toddler: no thank you.


[A pterodactyl walks into a bar]

“Ptequila, pthanks.”


I’m at my quickest when I try to follow someone out of the bathroom so I don’t have to touch the handle.