[day after trying sushi for the first time]
ME: *putting frozen chicken nuggets on table*
WIFE: this isn’t cooke-
ME: it’s sushi, susan
Complimented Taylor Swift on her shirt yesterday and now she’s in a tree outside my window with a guitar and a wedding dress. Send.Help.Now.
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Dear little baby Jesus,
If I got what I deserved, it’d be bad. But my daddy deserves the best. Please send him a handsome son-in-law.
[as the bride enters the church and heads down the aisle]
ME: *clapping* BRIDE BRIDE BRIDE BRIDE
No YOU’RE the stalker.
(I write on your work bathroom mirror in blood)
Inventor of the toaster:
How about something that makes bread warm and crunchy, but also doubles as a murder weapon?
M: MOMMMM, where are the scissors? I just bought a new pair!
Edward Scissorhands: You mean these?
M: Yesss! Could you just stop stealing my scissors every time you break a nail?!
[first day as news anchor]
Me [tryin not to laugh readin report about a man gettin kicked by a horse]: hes said to be in a stable condition
Me: you want french toast for breakfast?
Toddler: no thank you.
[A pterodactyl walks into a bar]
I’m at my quickest when I try to follow someone out of the bathroom so I don’t have to touch the handle.