@shegotagronk: Complimented Taylor Swift on her shirt yesterday and now she's in a tree outside my window with a guitar and a wedding dress. Send.Help.Now.
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@Jandalize: My 16yo daughters boyfriend struggled with a capri sun for the last 10 minutes. I think it's ok to leave her alone with him.
@joejwest: [traffic jam] MAN: [rolls down window] Dude, why? ME: [in the next car holding a rabbit as it repeatedly kicks the horn] It's his birthday
@Brianhopecomedy: My son went over to a friend's house & his Mom asked when we wanted him home. From her expression I think she was expecting a time, not day.