I didn’t take my husband’s name when I got married. I figured it’d be confusing if we were both called Keith.
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Me: I want a snack.
Husband: You could have veggies.
Me: …I have never felt less heard in this marriage than I do now.
angel: so this birth thing should probably be as simple as possible
god: yeah i was thinking we start with an army of tiny genetic ghost tadpoles that live in the balls
angel: ok first question why
god: wait i’m not finished
Keeping a very sharp knife next to my bed in case a burglar breaks in and wants sashimi
I don’t have that many drinks. I just freshen up the one constantly.
Guess how many times pre-wrapped convenience store firewood helped me get laid.
I have so many chores that I need to do, what Netflix show should I binge watch?
I ran into a hot guy at the grocery store last week and he hasn’t tracked me down and proposed to me yet. This is why I hate movies.
Sext: ‘Ride me harder, baby. Harder’
Me: ‘I’M ALREADY TYPING IN ALL CAPS, WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT FROM ME?’
Apparently, Walt Disney was a secret FBI snitch for 26 years so I guess you could say he was a rat who was famous for drawing a mouse.
7:01 AM: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Build your 3 year old a blanket fort.
7:10: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ play house.
7:45: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Resolve conflict between your 3 year old’s toys.
8:20: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Fix the blanket fort.
9:00 AM: Drink cold coffee.
So when you say R.I.P. To a dearly departed you are basically saying hey no zombie or walking dead stuff ??
The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
[Christmas Party]
*opening my gifts*
Well well well, if it isn’t the festive scarf I gave you 3 Christmases ago
Me: Ok, just need a shovel and some toilet paper.
Them: Going camping?
Me: Nope
I don’t even want to eat butter chicken without having some warm leavened flatbread first. That’s a Naan starter for me
Me: Hi. I can’t take your call right now but please leave a message.
CW: I’m standing right in front of yo…
Me: BEEEEEEEEEEEEP
[animal noises] it’s only those with a destination who can be lost
Me: *plays imaginary playground game with my boys where we’re a crew flying through deep space on the hunt for storm troopers, armed only with our wits and pretend lightsabers on a fantastical, mysterious journey aboard our supersonic spaceship*
6yo: Are we there yet?
9am: Nice try, Amazon, I’m not falling for the Prime Day BS again.
9:22am: *Reading reviews for commercial soft-serve ice cream makers*
I wish I could replace my central nervous system with a central confidence system.
Guy: What do you do?
Me: I tell jokes on Twitter
G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself?
Me: I tell myself that they’re good jokes
The real reason women will never be the ones to propose: As soon as she gets on her knees, he will start unzipping his pants.
Survival Tip:
If confronted by a dinosaur while hiking, politely but firmly explain that it is extinct.
When I grow up, I want to be 16
Men are from Mars, women are from a planet that probably smells nicer than Mars.
Guy science: The proper amount of time for a pan to soak before cleaning it is until you need to use it again.
You: Where’s Carl?
Me: That fool done gone and lost his mind
You: Thats too bad. What’s for dinner?
Me: Funny you should ask
I turn to my freezer as I fill up an ice cube tray with water. “Hey, can you do me a solid?”
my wife’s divorce lawyer: why don’t we just get them to arm wrestle?
me whispering to my lawyer: do something
Ways I am superior to ducks:
1. I can buy my own bread. Don’t need handouts
2. Lower likelihood of a fox eating me and my family
3. Better Penmanship
4. Have my own bank account (I know Scrooge McDuck had a bank account but he was fictional. I’m talking about real ducks ONLY)