Him: Don’t get your panties in a bunch.
Me: It’s called a bulk pack, Todd. That’s how Costco sells them.
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Just told my son to “wipe that smile off your face” and I swear I heard my dad laughing from 3,000 miles away
I don’t tell many people this, but I have been known to carry a shiv.
Okay, it’s the underwire in my bra and the only one getting stabbed is me, but still.
I’m putting off having kids mainly because I’m not ready to be 9 months sober.
Getting away with an expired coupon like, yes, I am a con artist.
I’m invited to a wedding this weekend.
I have two days to come up with a disease or cut off a finger.
There’s a lot of strange facts in this world if you think about it. For example, some people like when there’s pulp in their orange juice.
like my toaster, i too spend a lot of time in my kitchen making sudden movements and burning things.
An alternate Batman origin story where Bruce’s parents are slowly pushed off a ledge by Catwoman.
“Pop star, Justin Bieber, was charged with DUI, driving with an expired license and resisting arrest.”
Britney Spears whispers,
“Amateur.”
All I’m saying is waking up at night because you have to pee in a dream is better than actually peeing in the dream…
me: want to go to the ice rink?
friend: i can’t stand ice skating
me: you’ll be able to with practice
Wine improves with age, I improve with wine.
Why would I want guest towels? That’s like an invitation.
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*hours pass*
*man on tv sweeps items off desk and passionately embraces woman*
Me: How romantic.
*husband passionately throws folded laundry off bed*
Me: WTF
Remember when we used to call the “self check-out” – ‘Theft’?
If video games were truly to blame for violent acts drive by turtle flinging would be at an all time high.
My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.
My childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
My wife and I toss a coin to settle arguments; heads she wins, tails I apologise.
Welcome to “I HEARD THE CAT PUKE BUT DON’T KNOW WHERE” the game where your eyes try to find it before your feet do.
Whenever I see someone with spider web tattoos on their elbows I spray them with Raid and attempt to flush them down the toilet.
Accidentally got melted butter on some fried chicken and this is my delicious origin story.
I was riding in an Uber with a gay male colleague when his Grindr app notification went off on his phone. The female Uber driver said, “I know that sound – my husband plays that game all the time.”
ME: Excuse me…Where’s the rowing boat equipment?
EMPLOYEE: Keep going down there, Oar Aisle.
ME:
EMPLOYEE:
ME:
EMPLOYEE:
ME: Or you’ll what?
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
4-year-old: How many push-ups can you do?
Me: A million.
4: Then why did your arms shake on the first one?
Me: Must’ve been an earthquake
“What’s your name?”
“Who’s your daddy?”
“Is he rich like me?”These “reset your password” questions are getting kind of weird.
You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.
My wife makes us recycle everything.
*empties condom into sink*