@aligarchy

*composes email*

*proofreads*

*hovers mouse over send button*

*proofreads again*

*is about to send*

*proofreads a third time*

*gets glass of water*

*proofreads once more*

*finally sends email*

*re-reads email just for good measure*

OH NO I SAID HITLER INSTEAD OF HELLO

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I’m pretty sure I made one of those “If we’re both still single” pacts with someone. I just wish I’d written down his name.

@BraandoCommando

wife: what’d you do today

me: [ate an entire block of cheese] I kept our son from eating an entire block of cheese

@Shenanigans_luv

I was thinking earlier that what I really need is someone who will ask me a few times a day if I’m hungry and if I am will just fix me food and make me eat it and then I realized I just invented moms

@craigrachel

The dogboner /Neil degrasse Tyson situation has been an elaborate ruse all so Michael hale could claim on gawker that he has a girlfriend

@iAmDelFreaky

<during sex>

Me: Can we pretend I didn’t just call you Uncle Joe?

Her: Not sure, it’s pretty disturbing.

Uncle Joe: It didn’t bother me.

@Daveastated

*Me being held for ransom*

Kidnapper: Give us the money or you’ll see him again!

@BackrowSeats

Sometimes you have to make a stand. Not there though. You’re blocking the TV.

@ibid78

Kill me once, shame on me. Kill me twice, shaman you.