I’m pretty sure I made one of those “If we’re both still single” pacts with someone. I just wish I’d written down his name.
*hovers mouse over send button*
*is about to send*
*proofreads a third time*
*gets glass of water*
*proofreads once more*
*finally sends email*
*re-reads email just for good measure*
OH NO I SAID HITLER INSTEAD OF HELLO
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I have two years left on my looks. Four if I work out.
So 2 years.
wife: what’d you do today
me: [ate an entire block of cheese] I kept our son from eating an entire block of cheese
I was thinking earlier that what I really need is someone who will ask me a few times a day if I’m hungry and if I am will just fix me food and make me eat it and then I realized I just invented moms
We talk a big game for a species that has a favourite cup
The dogboner /Neil degrasse Tyson situation has been an elaborate ruse all so Michael hale could claim on gawker that he has a girlfriend
Me: Can we pretend I didn’t just call you Uncle Joe?
Her: Not sure, it’s pretty disturbing.
Uncle Joe: It didn’t bother me.
*Me being held for ransom*
Kidnapper: Give us the money or you’ll see him again!
Sometimes you have to make a stand. Not there though. You’re blocking the TV.
Kill me once, shame on me. Kill me twice, shaman you.