Computer: Are you sure you want to trust this printer?
Printer: *shifty eyes*
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There’s nothing to stop you from whispering “I’m in!” like a hacker when you enter your own email password.
ac guy: when your air filter is dirty you
me: flip it around.
ac guy: no.
My advice for new parents is that when you feed your child their first chicken nugget to go ahead and start preparing your answer to the question “is this chicken like the animal chicken?” cause that moment is coming.
Welcome to your 40s, your favorite songs are on the radio again. They call it classic rock now, but still.
Mmm that smells good. Is it mint?
Are you going to eat it? Please eat it.
No…..don’t throw it away! NO!!
[My dog watching me floss]
goddammit a coworker followed me on twitter.
i’m not talking about you barbara you’re super cool.
Sorry I used your baby’s bald head as a lipstick blotter.
Freezing bananas before they go bad is a great tip I learned 6 months ago. Now I have a freezer full of bananas
Hey chicks who wear a buttload of make-up. Don’t borrow someone else’s iPhone to make a call. You leave half of your face on the screen.
I hate hotel duvets. They are so thick, i can’t close my suitcase.
Why eat a carrot when you can just as easily not eat a carrot?
I’m not totally useless, I can be used as a bad example.
Me: You come highly recommended, LOL
Drug dealer: *stabs me*
I bet most people who wear Adidas shirts have never even really listened to their music.
[pushing my son in his stroller]
Stranger: awww aren’t you adorable! how old are you?
Me: 35
Stranger: I was talking to him
Me: He doesn’t know how old I am.
Tattoos are a nice way to forever honor loved ones, like family members who have passed away, or skulls with bat wings that have passed away
interviewer: the job starts at 30k but in a year you’ll be making $40k
me: *gets up* ok see you then
1 am: can’t sleep
2 am: can’t sleep
3 am: can’t sleep
4 am: can’t sleep
5 am: can’t sleep
5:57 am: falls into a deep and dreamless sleep, sleep like a tomb, cool and silent and–
6 am: ALARM
Girl Scout was out of Thin Mints and Samoas and tried to guilt me into taking those bullshit Trefoils off her hands.
FIND ANOTHER SUCKER, AUBREY.
Just a little reminder that the eight spiders you swallowed aren’t thrilled about it either
*15 seconds into makeup application*
I’m bored. This is good enough.
More photos of empty shelves in stores please, I love seeing the shelving infrastructure of each store.
I love art.
Women’s time is different. My brother and I are still waiting for my mom to come out of the grocery store when she said it would be 30 minutes. That was 1986
I eat my Chinese food just like any other American, with chopsticks, one grain of rice at a time.
I hate it when I’m by the window and make eye contact with someone outside, so I understand why this lady is shocked to see me up a tree.
this one time I saw a vegas hypnotist who told the audience he was going to turn me into a sad, depressed loser who makes dumb jokes on a dying website for zero money & I was like give it ur best shot, Mezmo the Great
My husband coughing the moment I got the baby to sleep is why spouses are the number one suspect in homicide cases.
As a 36 year old man I know that buying nunchucks as a self defense weapon wasn’t a smart idea but as a 36 year old man with a concussion I also know that they will do their job
Americans sure like Star Wars for something that immediately forces you to read