Computer backup systems are expensive so I include “Death To America” in my email signature & the NSA backs up everything I’ve ever written.
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You: My kid loves piano
My kid: *licking the piano keys*
Me: Same
It’s ok Apple users, I just woke up and found a surprise Nickelback album on my BlackBerry.
Guy at the Acme Corporation: Ah, some dog in Arizona wants to buy a rocket launcher. I’ll send him a really shitty one
So when she enters, just start playing & then she’ll NEVER accuse me of being boring in the bedroom again, got it?
Naked Mariachi Band: SÍ
Are chicken nuggets an emotion because i feel very chicken nuggets right now
[Hall of Justice]
Aquaman: How do you expect me to ignite the TNT below Kaiser’s floating fortress?
Waterproof Match Man: Maybe I can help.
WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs
Me: *wakes up to pee at 4:30*
My brain: Oh good, you’re awake!
“Why do raisins have an expiration date? What’s gonna happen, they get shrivelier??”
Interviewer:…
“Oh you mean questions about the job!”
People who don’t understand sarcasm are awesome.
[overhears wife complaining about me on phone] he’s always overreacting and making a mess
*spits chocolate milk everywhere* ARE YOU SERIOUS?
me: *wistful* what if you could go back in time and relive a delightful meal with a loved one?
him: is it leftovers again?
me: it’s leftovers again.
What do you call a cow that eats your grass?
A lawn moo-er.
Customer service: how can I help you?
Me: yeah, I’d like to change my security question. My favorite kid is now Josh
Mom. Dad. I like my coffee like I like my women. I don’t like coffee. I’m gay.
New coworker: What brought you to Wyoming?
Me: I met my wife on Twitter and moved here
New CW: how did you get a woman to talk to you on Twitter?
Me: I didn’t say things like that?
Primaries are like childbirth. After a great deal pain, yelling, and recrimination, everyone forgets how awful it was until the next time.
I had a stalker once but he saw me eating soup
Why are cops the only ones who get to go undercover? Why can’t a dentist? Coming soon, Undercover Dentist
Wicked Witch of the West: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog, too!
me: *acting coy & twirling my hair* you think I’m pretty?
Johnny: Frankie said we gotta unload all these pocket watches tonight and I dunno if we can do it.
Fat Sam: [opening door to hypnotist’s convention] Don’t worry about it. I got an idea.
HIM: I wanna be more than friends.
ME: You wanna be BEST friends?
I tink there’s a deal going down in your backyard!
Stop bringing shitty Bluetooth speakers on hikes. No one came to the woods to hear you listen to Katy Perry
I held the door for an old person today and he was like, “didn’t we go to high school together” and we did.
‘Twas the night before Christmas,
and everyone knew,you were still out shopping,
yes, it sucks to be you.
So we got a goldfish…
The sound that tennis players make but I’m just picking my socks up off the floor.
Alexa, show me where it all went wrong.
Of course I dance like nobody’s looking.
But I also drink like I don’t have to work in the morning.