I’m glad nothing I own was made with my own two hands because I really like having hands.
Computer: Choose a password.
Computer: Dude, this is a format tweet, don’t use your actual password.
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what if the Blair Witch was just lonely
“I live as a mountain man because I enjoy the isolation and I hate people. Film crews are cool though.” – Mountain Men on History Channel
Shrink: How would you rate your depression right now?
Me: 0 out of 5 stars. Would not recommend.
“I can’t wait to see what my Happy Meal prize is! Wait…what the -”
[U2 is playing a free concert in the box]
You don’t need a therapist when you have a strong support group around your barstool.
Some things are better left unsaid
Tequila – No they’re not
*Witnesses an awkward moment* starts a slow clap* sees that nobody is joining me* pretends like I’m trying to kill mosquitoes*
Me: Sorry I got drunk and ate all the bacon.
Wife: You ate Beggin’ Strips.
*me to the dog* Sorry I got drunk and ate all of your bacon.
If you say safety in Numbers you haven’t read Numbers.