Me: Congratulations on becoming a master criminal.
Cousin: I earned a master’s degree in criminology.
Me: So do you get a bigger share of the loot from heists now or what?
Computer: Choose a password
Computer: Sorry, that password is too weak
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I’m a long-term thinker. For instance, the green bananas I bought will be delicious in 2 days.
I hear the Pink Panther song when I sneak down the hall for a midnight snack..
Home Alone 6: Homeland Security – Everyone in Washington D.C. has gone on vacation and left Kevin in charge!
It’s not cool to skip on dating someone who talks funny — just because your english is gooder than theirs be.
Diet day 1
I have removed all the bad food from the house.
It was delicious.
Interviewer: Your resume only has “Mad” under “Skills”
Me: Yeah boyee
Interviewer: *tears up* You’re just what we need. Welcome to Subway.
I had sex with a girl on a first date once. Boy was her date pissed.
ASTRONAUT 1:So sorry
ASTRONAUT 2: My condolences
ASTRONAUT 3: Forgive us
~~The crew of the Apollo-G