@English_Channel

Computer: Choose a password

Me: 1scoop_of_coffee_per_2cups_of_water

Computer: Sorry, that password is too weak

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@JohnLyonTweets

Me: Congratulations on becoming a master criminal.

Cousin: I earned a master’s degree in criminology.

Me: So do you get a bigger share of the loot from heists now or what?

@sara_ashlynn

I’m a long-term thinker. For instance, the green bananas I bought will be delicious in 2 days.

@Boleyngirly

I hear the Pink Panther song when I sneak down the hall for a midnight snack..

@lecalabara

Home Alone 6: Homeland Security – Everyone in Washington D.C. has gone on vacation and left Kevin in charge!

@Storminika

It’s not cool to skip on dating someone who talks funny — just because your english is gooder than theirs be.

@mydmac

Diet day 1

I have removed all the bad food from the house.

It was delicious.

@JediGigi

Interviewer: Your resume only has “Mad” under “Skills”

Me: Yeah boyee

Interviewer: *tears up* You’re just what we need. Welcome to Subway.

@Home_Halfway

ASTRONAUT 1:So sorry
ASTRONAUT 2: My condolences
ASTRONAUT 3: Forgive us

~~The crew of the Apollo-G