Computer: choose a password
Me: mysocks
Computer: confirm password
Me: mysocks
Computer: passwords do not match
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[on phone]
ME: Babe what’s the wifi password?
HER: We broke up. I told you last night
ME: We broke up, got it. Any upper case or spaces?
WIFE: *filing for divorce*
ME: Are you mad at me?
Therapist: what’s upsetting you?
Wife: he’s always using common phrases incorrectly
Me: cry me a table, Linda
A teacher is always just one loud fart away from losing control of a classroom.
My favorite part about sci-fi movies is when all aliens and people from other worlds only speak English
Guy Who Invented Figurative Speech: I’ve got something that’ll blow your minds.
Townspeople: *fleeing in abject terror*
roses are red, violets are blue
*arnold schwarzenegger voice*
tell me who is your daddy
and what does he do
Optimist: The glass is ½ full.
Pessimist: The glass is ½ empty.
Excel: The glass is January 2nd.
Every man wants a smart woman until he wants to win an argument.
I don’t think anyone here is a serial killer because you have to be really self motivated and it’s like we all just eat snacks and take naps
When’s dinner?
-My kids an hour after finishing Thanksgiving dinner
her: i’m having trouble walking after last night
me: well i thought the mattress stair sled would be fun
You know what really boils my piss? The pissboiler2000 from JML.
And it was upon finishing my 5th glass of wine that I realised that buying a 16 year old male chimpanzee from Facebook marketplace was the best idea I had ever had.
imagine being a tree. just imagine it. imagine the good times (wind gently blowing your leaves); imagine the tough times (wind roughly blowing your leaves). imagine the ok, so-so times (there’s no wind)
Adding osaur to the end of a word doesn’t make it work appropriate according to this cuntosaur reporting me to HR.
Every time I buy a fun new mug my mother yells “We have too many mugs!” & I yell “You suck the joy out of everything!” & she yells “Don’t say ‘suck’!” & I yell “I’m a grown woman!” & she yells “Then are you finally moving out of my house”
Genie: *facepalm* And your final wish?
Me: To not have Alzheimers anymore
*looks at two lifetime supplies of skittles*
Genie: Probably should have opened with that
At no single point in the Bible does it tell you not to sell drugs
Of course I don’t have any skeletons in my closet
I know how to dissolve bones I’m not an amateur
that feeling when u realize u just ate 1/2 a sticker
Standing by the stove, eating scrambled eggs out of the frying pan with a spatula, but in a sexy way.
[30 years into the future]
me: you know netflix used to send films by post
my amazon smart watch: 0.3% Productivity loss detected. Hourly rate reduced to $1.12 for 7m21s. Please refrain from talking on the packing line. Please say “Productivity” to acknowledge
me: productivity
the gender neutral urge to point out a cow while on a road trip
In Germany Die Hard is called The Hard
Here is a poem for #NationalDrinkWineDay entitled “The Problem of Writing a Poem in the Shape of a Wine Glass”.
Trying to convince my wife I said “adieu,” instead of “I do,” at our wedding, but she’s not buying it.
Here’s why I’m opposed to pilots being obligated to wear boxing gloves for flights:
-Cost of buying the gloves might be passed on to customers
-Pilot loses gloves? Flight gets delayed
-A passenger wearing boxing gloves could be mistaken for the pilot and ordered to fly the plane
Ghosts who are trying to quit smoking chew spirit gum
I’m not saying I’m the best husband, but I did perfectly time placing my dirty dish in the sink just as my wife was finishing up washing the dishes.