*Computer crashes, I reboot it*
Computer: Windows was not shut down properly.
Me: Don’t put this on me, man.
You Might Also Like
Me: If you wear a bikini to the zoo is it a zucchini
LeBron: I…is this the right room? The nurse said you were dying
Me: Dying to meet you
I’m 53 years old unless I’m driving at night in the rain. Then I’m 107.
The moon landing was faked. They actually went to Mars, and I can prove it.
This girl just said, “You know that feeling you get when you really really like someone?” and I was all like, “Nope.” and walked away.
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
Never play chess with a British person. Their queen never dies.
The perfect tattoo doesn’t exi…
[March 15]
Brutus: Going 2 the senate?
Caesar: yeah u?
Brutus: yep it’ll be killer
Caesar: how so?
Brutus: like cool u know rad senate stuff
I love greens, but not in a sexual way
Platonic salads, so to speak
Good thing they had us dissect frogs in high school that prepared us for all the times in real life we’ve had to dissect frogs.
wife: [steps out of time machine] my god you’ve aged horribly
me: u didn’t even turn it on
My dad said he couldn’t get into Game of Thrones because he doesn’t like fantasy so I asked him when he was going to stop watching Fox News.
Of course I trust you, the hidden cameras were to capture possible paranormal activities.
boss: I’m sorry Alan we’re going to have to let you go
bungee cord tester: N
O
O
o
o
ᵒ
Remember when you used Twitter to update friends & family on where you were, & what you were doing?
Yeah, me neither.
Please quit telling me to “keep up the good work” the good work was an accident and impossible to replicate
The Cheesecake Factory is finally coming to Canada!
…now I can stop being so nice to the Americans.
Me: Damn dog is under the covers again!
Wife: No she’s not. She’s next to the bed.
Me: Oh.
Wife: …
Me: Might be time to shave your legs.
Hypnotist: you’re feeling very sleepy
Parents: omg yes
[telling a scary story to a group of moths] and when she opened the door..[holds flashlight to face] she- AH GET OFF OF ME YOU GUYS
WARNING: Local youths in the park are asking passers-by to audition for the remake of Aquaman. DON’T DO IT. They filmed my audition and posted it on youtube under the title, “We tricked this guy to climb into the park fountain”. I AM 99% SURE THEY ARE NOT REAL HOLLYWOOD PRODUCERS
In the grocery store and this little kid asked her Dad “can we get ice cream after?” The Dad said “maybe” I then walked by and said “that means yes” and then I left BECAUSE I LIKE TO STIR SHIT UP WHEN I SHOP
[meeting the parents]
Dad: what do you think of Baroque?
Me: *trying to impress him* you should see my bank account. Im always broke.
Just checked my Fitbit. I’ve taken 212 steps today and that was just from going back and forth to the fridge.
me: *dies*
death: welcome to the afterlife
me: how do I get to heaven?
death: *points* go up those stairs
me: what about hell?
death: *points* go down those stairs
me: and limbo?
death: *points* just duck under that bar
In Hell you have to drive with balloons in the car and you have to put them in the car with the doors open.
‘this never happened to me so it probably never happened’
– idiots
Just watched a dog chase its tail for 10 min., thought “damn so easily entertained” then realized I watched a dog chase his tail for 10 min.
me: how bout a show like greys anatomy but at an animal hospital
producer: they’re all vets?
me shaking head no: they’re all animals