computer: create username
me: liamneesonskid
computer: username has been taken
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If someone doesn’t respond to your text within 5 minutes, they obviously don’t love you anymore. Probably never did, react accordingly.
Them: Yeah my cat is completely happy being vegan
Cat:
My wife says I’ve placed unreasonable expectations on our kids, but I think Superman and Wolverine will turn out just fine.
Yup
*burger king manager pulls me aside on my first day working there* when they say hold the pickle you don’t have to physically hold it
“Thou shall keep swimming” -Nemonians 7:69
I cleaned up my son’s playroom today and it’s so clean now that I’m not sure I want him playing in there anymore
wish me luck lads
Swing states aren’t as much fun as they sound.
The phrase “it’s ok if they never make Shrek 5” is such a weak mindset. You are ok with no Fergus, no Farkle, no Felicia. When you stop getting angry after no news, you’ve lost twice.
There’s always more onions, and always room for more swamps, it’s never ogre.
[sipping hot orange juice] if you’re breaking up with me at least give me a reason
If my kids ask, the police will arrest me if I let them stay up late.
My uncle Don got married outside so he could smoke
Whales are just primitive elephants that walked into the ocean and then kept walking.
Wife thinks I bought way too many presents. Hah! It’s just one jigsaw puzzle with the pieces wrapped individually
This day in history. 1976. 80-year-old choreographer Busby Berkeley died tragically when he wandered absently into a circle of high kicking showgirls.
Who called it a volcanic eruption and not a lavalanche?
Aaaaaand…send.
has anything been recalled more than romaine? honest question
*getting eyelashes done* just glue them shut I’ve seen enough
…..pretty much.
it’s time for sharks to evolve again. it’s been four hundred million years. be poisonous or something
I’m the friend that shows up with a shovel and alibi.
Hear me out:
A tampon that yells “OH YEAH” in the Kool-Aid man’s voice when it’s full
Once a year you should legally be allowed to end someone else’s date. Just hand them a card that says “Overheard you two talking and it’s imperative for humankind that you don’t pursue this further. Thanks.”
“Trust your gut” ok first of all my gut wants pizza 24 hours a day
I have a degree in graphic design. It’s not real but it’s hard to tell. I definitely did a pretty good job
Them: your dog is so cute, does she shed?
Me: only twice a year
Them: and how long does it last?
Me: 6 months
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t make weird noises in my cubicle
in the 90s the internet used to scream at you when you tried to enter and they should never have taken that warning away