Computer: Do you trust this device?
Me: Why? Is there something you’re not telling me?
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1. Pick jeans to wear
2. Pull them up to thighs
3. Pants dance for 3 minutes
4. Take pants off
5. Put sweatpants on
6. Cry, eat pumpkin pie
boss: hi
me: *pretends to read an email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read an email”
I’m glad the Dentist calls me the day before to remind me to cancel my appointment.
I think “Ur mom” is a sassy answer to any question.
Especially “Who gave birth to me” or “Who divorced my dad”.
That’s it, teachers. Keep gloating on Facebook about your snow day. You’ll see my kids tomorrow after their breakfast of Coke & Pixy Stix.
My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
My daughter wanted to know what I was protesting when I used to burn cds and someone just go ahead and take me to the nursing home
Maybe trying to get out of the car with my seatbelt still on is my car’s way of saying I don’t need to go into the store for more cookies. I dunno.
Living with downstairs neighbors.. 😅
The less friends at your birthday party means more cake for you.
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the best part about being a parent is explaining normal human behaviours to the small feral people, my favourite of which has been “we don’t pee our pants on purpose when we are mad”
wife: Do you want a bowl?
me [eating ice cream out of the carton] Why?
Roses are red,
I love mashed potato.
Poetry is hard,
laminator.#PoetryDay
*on a first date*
Me: I’m in financ-
Her: oh finance that’s cool
Me: ial debt. Crippling financial debt
Public restrooms are weird. The guy in the stall next to me has four feet and is wearing heels on one pair.
Apple has solved laptop theft by making them obsolete by the time thieves get out the door.
Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”
I went in to a pet shop. I said, “I would like to buy a goldfish?” The guy said, “Do you want an aquarium?”
I said, “I don’t care what astrological sign it is.”
I’m seriously considering taking up falconry. Someone pisses me off? BAM! Falcon, right in the face.
Me: I lost my virginity to Barry White.
Her: Really? What song?
Me: Song?
Your call will be answered in the order in which we draw names from a hat.
can’t believe Skyrim is still $60. should come free with all computers like solitaire or pinball at this point
NURSE: Do you drink alcohol?
ME: No
NURSE: Do you do drugs?
ME: *sigh* No
NURSE: Are you sexually active?
ME: *just starts crying*
The alarm clock has the best job in the world. It wakes up, sends everyone to work, and goes back to sleep.
I didn’t answer the door when my neighbor knocked because I didn’t feel like it, but then they started having a whole gathering outside and now I have to pretend I’m not home for probably another 2-3 hours.
Whenever the wife asks what I’m eating. I chew faster like a dog and refuse to open my mouth
ok ladies and gentlemen of the jury, before i get any farther along in my testimony, i would like for you to take a moment to recognize the “jurors are beautiful” shirt i am wearing
Cause of death: doing a gentle twist to the right
Dr. House would’ve solved this covid shit in 20 minutes flat.