COMPUTER: Enter your password
ME: [types ‘posh_people’s_tea’]
COMPUTER: Your password is too weak
ME: [high fives computer]
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Your Joke Is Factually Incorrect – A Guide to Dying Alone.
Wife: You won’t believe what Diane did at work today
Me: (thinking, “I don’t care”)
Wife: I heard that
I’d say I’m an agreeable person, but if you tell me a clothing item is “out of style” I will only wear it more.
Just enjoy your meal and DO NOT think about where that turkey baster has been.
Welcome to your 40s, your gum’s flavor outlasts your chewing stamina now.
Me: “Breath mint?”
Her: “Sure.”
M: “Don’t mean to offend.”
H: “None taken.”
M: “Great. Good to hear. Care for a push up bra?”
I’m supposed to wear a blouse and slacks to an event. This looks like a job for FuneralPants.
Camping?
No thank you.If I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
5yo [pulling a baby hat out of a drawer]: Why do we have this? Is this for when we have more babies?
Me: Ye-
Husband: NO MORE BABIES.
me: where can I find shovels and toilet paper?
clerk: going camping?
me: no
Of course when Godzilla destroys the city is the same day I wear flip flops and no belt!
Only take relationship advice from people who have really healthy relationships. So, no one
Waiter: How would you like your Martini, Sir?
007: Shaken…
Andre 3000: Like a Polaroid picture
*1941 movie pitch*
“So it’s about an elephant w/big ears and we call him stupid then torture his mother.”
Walt Disney, “I smell a winner.”
McKay Coppins:
My wife and I got back from voting and found our 5yo in tears that she didn’t get to come. So I took her to the polling place and gave her a little patriotic talk about America and democracy.
On the way back she told me she thought mom had said we went “boating.”
People always talk about having backup Singers and I’m like, why would I need two sewing machines?
FAMILY REUNION ORGANIZER: Thanks again for coming, it means a lot to us all.
FRANKENSTEIN’S MONSTER: I’m sorry I gotta run, but I have like 3 more of these just this week.
I am 36 years old. I could have been a dog three times by now.
experienced cop: it’s ok kid, you get used to it
millennial rookie cop, retching near murder scene: the coffee you brought was not artisanal
Something Saturday.
(Ad for a baby)
• gently used
• can’t even kill you
• doesn’t shed
• poops on a learning curve
• goes from 0-60 in roughly 60 years
My daughter and her friend Poppy were playing hide and seek and Poppy wanted to hide in the chest freezer but I told her that’s where we keep the dead bodies and now poppy’s no longer allowed over to play which suits me fine because Poppy’s a humourless snitch
I punched my monitor
Now my hand Hz.
Before electricity, they used to give murderers the acoustic chair.
My neighbor’s facebook movie is just a montage of me caught on surveillance video, stealing his newspaper every morning.
spider: I need 4 pairs of pants
assistant: might I suggest, instead of pants, a dress
spider: I’ll give it a try
[later]
spider: *twirling in a billowy dress* I feel fantasticassistant: very attractive, sir
Jack and Jill went up the hill
To fetch an ounce of ganja
Jack lit up and took a puff
And Jill cuffed him. She was DEA. Jack died in prison.
Broke my make-up mirror this morning.
I thought people would say 7 yrs of bad luck but mostly it’s been, “Your eyeliner is really crooked.”
Teacher: *carrying basket full of massive fruit* good morning, class. Today we will be working in pears
My kid: I’m cold, can I have some tea?
Also my kid: *puts 8 ice cubes into hot tea*