Gave myself a steam facial* today
*opened a bag of freshly popped popcorn too close to my face
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Negative pregnancy tests, because everyone loves good news on a stick
I just woke up from a dream where a very attractive man with an adorable dog invited me to get ice cream… and I told him, “sorry, I don’t have any condoms,” then walked away. Dream me is as awkward as real me.
me: [deadlifting 200 lbs]
mortician: sir
I walked past a lady in her car with convertible down. She locked the door out of fear. So I smacked her in the back of the head & ran way
Gatsby: *pouring wine* After all, they DO call me the Grape Gatsby
Daisy Buchanan: Wow they really call you the Great Gatsby?
Gatsby: … Yup
[Lois & Superman’s first date]
Superman: You look beautiful, Loren.
Lois: What? Who’s Loren?!
*Superman flies around the earth and reverses time*
Superman: You look beautiful, Lois.
*watches a movie with you*
*loudly beeps during all the good parts*
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
A pregnant pause is like a regular pause but it doesn’t have a period.
My 6yo asked me if she’s gonna have pubic hair one day and when I told her yes she said, “well, I award THAT zero points.” Today she awarded cheese 100 points. This is the only scale I’ll be using from now on.
I just heard my roommate mixing some beats except I don’t have a roommate and it was my cat throwing up.
Microdosing being a pigeon by delivering a letter.
One time my husband asked me to dance for him and I performed the entire Lion King musical to the best of my ability.
I just got kicked out of a secret cooking society.
I spilled the beans.
Nothing creates permanent frown lines quite like receiving anti-aging skin products as a birthday gift
Made the mistake of ordering chlorine for the pool and researching Kenya so I’m tweeting this from what appears to be a windowed black van.
4-year-old: What’s “saying grace?”
Me: It’s when we thank the one who provided our food.
4-year-old: We thank the microwave?
Kids: Mom, what happened to our college fund?
Me: Avocados.
Moana is my favourite movie about The Rock continually trying to drown a little girl.
the perfect lunchbox d̶o̶e̶s̶n̶’̶t̶ ̶e̶x̶i̶s̶t̶
Sometimes I wonder if the ghost in my house thinks he’s being haunted by some angry, naked, drunk guy.
I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.
it’s bullshit that someone made a bowl out of wet dirt 30,000 years ago and now i have to load a dishwasher
Stop saying “so I did a thing”…just say what you did, moron
aliens are gonna be super confused when they show up threatening to overthrow our leaders and we’re all stoked and offer to help.
I cannot believe all of these people are out!
-Me when I’m out
The first time your kids play together quietly and you skip checking in on them is the last time you don’t get up like a bat outta hell to see what’s up.
we could create a chicken alfredo coffee flavor we have the technology
MANAGER: Great news guys, I finally got us a gig
BAND: Thank God! Finally!
MANAGER: *installing RAM* Yeah it’ll make this PC way faster
“Your generation is having less kids” yeah we go to therapy to fix our relationships now