[Computer has become self-aware]
Scientist 1: Shit, just like in Terminator
Computer: I HAVE WRITTEN SOME POETRY
Scientist 2: No, worse
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When in doubt, ignore an unknown number on your mobile, never hit Reply All, and always wear clothes when you step out of your house.
Let my son leave the house today wearing a striped shirt and plaid shorts. I’m done, he’s natural selections problem now.
Had to do 3 cartwheels, a backflip and a verse of “Killing Me Softly” to turn on this automatic sink.
If you say I’m getting fat again Aunt Betty, I’ll make a “anything for 5 dollars” ad on Craigslist with your name and number.
My kids can’t hear the dog barking for 15mins to come back inside but they can hear me bite into a Pop-Tart from 3 counties away.
ME: it’s rude to stare
THE ABYSS: you started it
I was kinda flattered when the police sketch artist made me better looking.
“Ever wonder why Rice Krispies costs the same as quieter cereals?”
“It’s because they’re sold by weight-“
“not by volume”
[someone reading a beautiful poem in german]
ME: i have never been more frightened