@OtherDanOBrien

[Computer has become self-aware]
Scientist 1: Shit, just like in Terminator
Computer: I HAVE WRITTEN SOME POETRY
Scientist 2: No, worse

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@desijourno

When in doubt, ignore an unknown number on your mobile, never hit Reply All, and always wear clothes when you step out of your house.

@patnelke

Let my son leave the house today wearing a striped shirt and plaid shorts. I’m done, he’s natural selections problem now.

@SentenceReduced

Had to do 3 cartwheels, a backflip and a verse of “Killing Me Softly” to turn on this automatic sink.

@ericacanrant

If you say I’m getting fat again Aunt Betty, I’ll make a “anything for 5 dollars” ad on Craigslist with your name and number.

@dshack8

My kids can’t hear the dog barking for 15mins to come back inside but they can hear me bite into a Pop-Tart from 3 counties away.

@DanMentos

“Ever wonder why Rice Krispies costs the same as quieter cereals?”
why would-
“It’s because they’re sold by weight-“
Dan, NO
“not by volume”

@senderblock23

[someone reading a beautiful poem in german]
ME: i have never been more frightened