her: that lion is charging
me: hang on [googling] our escape velocity is its distance divided by its speed, then add
her: ok it has my leg, now what
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[funeral]
WIDOW: thank you for coming
ME: are you kidding, I love funerals
“I’m in the best shape of my life!” -Newborn baby
i’m not sayin for sure big brother is watchin, i’m just sayin ever since i came public with my imaginary dog, my pandora station non-stops advertises for schizophrenia medication
Hey maybe the dark matter in the universe is actually all the money that is owed to freelancers.
Twitter crush? Nah, that’s my X girlfriend.
Whenever I make a list of chores I always add one or two tasks that I have already accomplished so that I can experience the immediate satisfaction of crossing them off.
Him: I should of told you I loved you a long time ago.
Me: *starts crying* It’s should have.
In 8th grade my teacher told me if I didn’t stop talking I wouldn’t remember anything from her class. Well, 20+ years later, and I’m here to tell her she was totally wrong. I remember Craig. The boy who sat next to me and ate his scabs.
Two princes?
I’ll take the one that wants to buy me rockets.
I just said “bye – bye” when I ended a phone call, and now I’m debating on if I should have my milk & cookies before or after recess.
Son: “I hurt my foot”
Dad who’s obsessed with the metric system: “What did you just say!?”
Son (sigh): “OK sorry. I hurt my 30 centimeters”
Dad: “That’s better. But if I catch you using imperial measurements again, I’m gonna beat you to within 2.54 centimeters of your life!”
When my in-laws kindly told me to treat them as if they were my own family I graciously obliged.
I don’t speak to my own family either.
FIRST GUY TO EAT A BANANA: hey this is good come here and try it
FIRST GUY TO SLIP ON A BANANA PEEL: ok
The bad news: climate change threatens 1 in every 4 species with extinction.
The good news: you’re one of them.
Bruce Willis: I hate when people talk during movies, I never do it
Director: Yes but we’re filming the movie now, do you see the difference
My boys from the living room:
“I’m telling mom!”
Me from the bedroom:
“don’t come tell mom shit!”
I just opened a Valentine’s Day card that was filled with heart confetti. I don’t remember the last time I was this angry.
The best thing about being kidnapped is it’s like an automatic best friend who can’t let you leave or you’ll go to the police.
*first day as zookeeper
(letting animals out) “Go, mingle.”
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: Your word is “incorrect”
KID: I haven’t spelled it yet
JUDGE: No, that’s your word
KID: T-H-A-T-’-S
JUDGE: No-
KID: N-
I’m at my most math when I solve a problem while creating three new ones.
My favourite movie romance is Keanu Reeves and Sandy Bullock in Speed because they meet by overcoming the greatest relationship hardship of all: when a woman is driving and a man is trying to give her directions
Listen jogger, I’m eating fast food alone in my car, the last thing I need is eye contact.
Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
Do not let #FyreFestival refugees into the country. We cannot risk it if even ONE of them has been radicalized.
Before carbs: Hates everyone
After carbs: Hates everyone but is fat
I asked my boyfriend “How pretty am I on a scale from 9.5-10?”
Welcome to Twitter 2 point Uh oh.
they should invent a type of situation that improves.
[spelling bee]
Teacher: your word is forwards
Me: hey wait everyone else only had to spell one